Plain and Simple

Sometimes I am just not okay and I wish people understood that.

Tonight

Sometimes I won't even think of you.
Your image is not in my head.
Your name never comes up.

But then there is tonight.
When all of you comes back.
The memories. The emotion.
Its running right through me.

I never thought you would do this.
Hurt me as if I didn't matter.
Nothing you say can change it now.

But then there is tonight.
When I want to call you up.
Tell you the exciting news.
I just have to hold myself back.

My phone never rings anymore.
I keep hoping someone will call.
Anyone but you.

But then there is tonight.
I can't sleep because I miss you.
Not even whiskey could fix this.
The hurt so deep inside of me.

Most days I feel I can get by.
I am tough enough.
But then there is tonight.

Tomorrow

I wanted this to work. I wanted it to be a great experience.
The time of my life. I wanted to learn a lot.
I wanted to be liked and be respected. I wanted all the above.

Too bad it has to end this way. Too bad I have to leave.
The idea was great. At least I can say that I tried. I tried.
Most people wouldn't try.
But I did.

And most people would stay too.
Stay and endure the - for lack of a better word - shit.
But I'm not. I'm too stubborn and too tough.
I'm starting over tomorrow.
Tomorrow... I'm gonna leave here.

The Flame

Well, here goes nothing. I'm leaving.
I am embarking on a new adventure. All alone.
My chance to make something of this. Of me.
What is going to happen? I'm scared.
But I am so excited.
I want to jump out of my skin.
I get to do what?

Will I be successful?
Was this the right choice?
I hope this is in God's plan. It has to be.
Or maybe it will be wrong.
And all the memories will haunt me.
I have to dig deep.
Deep into this strength. A strength not many see.

I keep fighting it. The way I feel.
But this was meant for me.
It is what I was born to do.
Why do I try so hard to run away?
Avoid the fire that is burning inside.
I tried to put it out.
But the flame is just too high.

Confused

I don't really know what my life is supposed to be. I feel like I need a direction or someone to tell me where to go. I feel like I am sitting in no man's land. I listen to others my age talk about the job they are striving for or the Grad school they are applying for. I have none of that. I wish I knew what my purpose was. I wish I knew what would make me the happiest. I try to live in the moment and enjoy the days as they come, but I cannot help but think about the future. I know that there is more than this. There has to be.

I have dreams every night about jobs that I left, friends that I miss, and opportunities that passed by. I try to live my life with no regrets, but I do have some. I believe everything happens for a reason and God has some grand plan for my life. I just wish I knew what it was and where I go from here.

Flower Power

Here is my new activity. I sat down with a blank sheet of paper and a box of 16 Crayola crayons. I was feeling a bit like I was in 1st grade again. My goal was to express my feelings in a picture without using any words. I could draw anything from a dog to the ocean. I chose a flower. The reason I chose a flower is because a flower has many different parts, as do I. A flower has the stem, the petals, and the roots. I feel as though I have many different parts too. I have myself. Me. Marissa. Then I have my ED. Then I have my family. My Mom. Dad. Sister. I also have my boyfriend. My best friend.

Now for the colors. I colored the stem darker green at the bottom and lighter as I got to the top of the flower. I did this because I feel as though I have a part of me deep down inside that is dark. That is hurting, sad, and mad. The petals of the flower are outlined dark and lightly shaded inside. I did this because I feel as though I have a tough outer shell. I do not like to show my feelings. The dark outline symbolizes that. I picked bright colors because I like to be silly, funny, and sarcastic! But notice I do have 2 petals that are brown and black. These again symbolize that darker side of me and my ED. The center of the flower is purple because that is my favorite color :D One petal is red and pink and that represents love because I have a lot of love surrounding me and a lot of love to give. Another petal is green and yellow. This represents home. Home is where the heart is.

After completing this and taking a look at it, I noticed that I drew 10 petals. Not 9. Not 7. But 10. I am not sure what this means, but it is interesting. I also noticed that everything is perfectly colored and there is nothing that goes outside of the lines. This is the perfectionist coming out in me. I need to work on this part of myself. Finally I noticed that the base of the stem is wider than the top of the stem. I think I did this because I feel as though I have a solid base to live off of, but sometimes I feel like I am weak, not good enough, and a disappointment.

Now it is your turn! I enjoyed this. It took 15 minutes and I really had to reflect on how I feel and what I wanted to convey with my drawing.

Must Love Coffee

Hey all! Happy Monday! I am still working on getting an activity together. I will be doing it tonight or tomorrow, so look for that post coming soon. This is just a light-hearted post with a comedic photo of me. I felt like coffee today, so drove to get one. And even though it is an arctic tundra here, I bought an iced coffee. Silly me, but it was yummy. Coffee = Love :D

Kinda a random thought... I am pondering adding a Psychology major to my college plethora of knowledge. I really want to dedicate myself to researching ED's and developing different methods of recovery. I want to help others. I am just trying to figure out if this would be a good thing for me. Anyways, look for my new activity post coming tomorrow.