5 years ago
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Okay. Not sure where to start with this post, but I'll just start rambling on and see where I end up....
Things with the ED have not been good lately. pretty shitty actually. I don't eat really. I drink a crap ton of energy drinks and diet pop. Monsters have became my good friend. Totally worth the two dollars I fork out to buy one. And diet Dr. Pepper. Yumm. Things with the ED are not good, so that means school is obviously not good either. It sucks actually. I don't sleep and it is so hard to focus on homework. I just took my first exam of the semester and got a 67%. At least I passed. This is my last semester and I cannot let my grades slip. Uggg.
Anywho, I am working as well. Work is work. It is going well and I don't mind it. Some days are better then others, but that is with everything. When your work life is going well, you know it is a sign that everything else is suffering. This is true for me. I stay late at work to make them happy and that is less time to sleep, study, or have fun. Sooo yea.
I'm busy busy busy. But I do have a date tomorrow night with Jack. Jack Daniels to be specific. I'm well over do.
Things with the ED have not been good lately. pretty shitty actually. I don't eat really. I drink a crap ton of energy drinks and diet pop. Monsters have became my good friend. Totally worth the two dollars I fork out to buy one. And diet Dr. Pepper. Yumm. Things with the ED are not good, so that means school is obviously not good either. It sucks actually. I don't sleep and it is so hard to focus on homework. I just took my first exam of the semester and got a 67%. At least I passed. This is my last semester and I cannot let my grades slip. Uggg.
Anywho, I am working as well. Work is work. It is going well and I don't mind it. Some days are better then others, but that is with everything. When your work life is going well, you know it is a sign that everything else is suffering. This is true for me. I stay late at work to make them happy and that is less time to sleep, study, or have fun. Sooo yea.
I'm busy busy busy. But I do have a date tomorrow night with Jack. Jack Daniels to be specific. I'm well over do.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
So I sleep like maybe a couple of hours a night. While I am awake for countless hours a night I should be doing homework, but instead I am browsing the web. Or Facebook of course. BUT on my adventures in the middle of the night, I found my new current obsession. Breathe Carolina. OMG. I. Can't. Get. Enough. Check them out!
My favorite album is the newest one - Hell Is What You Make It. Top songs on the album are probably... Gone So Long, They Say You Won't Come Back, and Blackout.
I have been sooo bored with my music lately. I can only listen to Lady Gaga, Jason Aldean, and Katy Perry so much. This is a refreshing for me. Ahhhh. Breathe it baby....
My favorite album is the newest one - Hell Is What You Make It. Top songs on the album are probably... Gone So Long, They Say You Won't Come Back, and Blackout.
I have been sooo bored with my music lately. I can only listen to Lady Gaga, Jason Aldean, and Katy Perry so much. This is a refreshing for me. Ahhhh. Breathe it baby....
Sunday, September 25, 2011
One - I am so confused. Confused about my life. The relationships in my life. Where my life is going. What my life means. What life is really about. And I guess just what matters in my life.
Two - I know I say this a lot, but I feel like I don't matter. I feel like one small spec of dirt among the millions on the planet. I feel insignificant. Insignificant to those around me and to myself.
Three - People make me crazy. People are just odd. I know I am weird, but some people are beyond weird. Like a frog with four eyes... weird. I just don't understand a lot of what people are doing most of the time.
Four - I want to be able to be open. To have a "normal" relationship. To not put up walls because I am trying to protect myself. I have been hurt. Not just hurt like when you stub your toe, but like heartbroken. Deeply let down and disappointed. Physically hurt. Sexually hurt. I feel I am missing out on relationships, friends or boyfriends, because I am scared of being vulnerable. Because I have to be tough to protect myself.
Two - I know I say this a lot, but I feel like I don't matter. I feel like one small spec of dirt among the millions on the planet. I feel insignificant. Insignificant to those around me and to myself.
Three - People make me crazy. People are just odd. I know I am weird, but some people are beyond weird. Like a frog with four eyes... weird. I just don't understand a lot of what people are doing most of the time.
Four - I want to be able to be open. To have a "normal" relationship. To not put up walls because I am trying to protect myself. I have been hurt. Not just hurt like when you stub your toe, but like heartbroken. Deeply let down and disappointed. Physically hurt. Sexually hurt. I feel I am missing out on relationships, friends or boyfriends, because I am scared of being vulnerable. Because I have to be tough to protect myself.
Friday, September 9, 2011
What am I going to do? I wish I had you to talk to. I always could talk to you about anything. I can't anymore.
I just pass you on the sidewalk and can't say a word. I want to say so much. I have tears that need to fall down. I have sadness that needs to be comforted.
You are here around me, but you are not here with me. I don't know if I can stay here any longer and bare this.
My life is about to change for the better(I hope), and I can't even share it with you.
I just pass you on the sidewalk and can't say a word. I want to say so much. I have tears that need to fall down. I have sadness that needs to be comforted.
You are here around me, but you are not here with me. I don't know if I can stay here any longer and bare this.
My life is about to change for the better(I hope), and I can't even share it with you.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
When I see a young couple walking hand in hand pushing their new baby boy in a stroller.... I think of us.
When I lay in bed at night and can't sleep... I think of us.
When a car that looks like yours drives by... I think of us.
When that country love song comes on the radio on the way to work... I think of us.
When I hear my friends are engaged or married... I think of us.
When I go back to that city... I think of us.
When something amazing happens and I pick up the phone to call you... I think of us.
When the shot of whiskey starts to get to me... I think of us.
When I catch a strong scent of your cologne... I think of us.
When I watch my parents walking hand in hand... I think of us.
When I starve myself and I'm sick... I think of us.
When I watch that movie we always watched together... I think of us.
When don't I think of us?
When I lay in bed at night and can't sleep... I think of us.
When a car that looks like yours drives by... I think of us.
When that country love song comes on the radio on the way to work... I think of us.
When I hear my friends are engaged or married... I think of us.
When I go back to that city... I think of us.
When something amazing happens and I pick up the phone to call you... I think of us.
When the shot of whiskey starts to get to me... I think of us.
When I catch a strong scent of your cologne... I think of us.
When I watch my parents walking hand in hand... I think of us.
When I starve myself and I'm sick... I think of us.
When I watch that movie we always watched together... I think of us.
When don't I think of us?
Friday, August 26, 2011
I need help, but I don't know where to go or who to ask. I keep going through life this way with the idea that "it's not that bad", but is it?
I don't deserve help. I'm fine. I can just keep going.... right?
What if I die from this? I don't want to, but I could. I'm scared.
I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.
I'm just the crazy girl with the eating disorder.
I wish I was more. I try to be more than what I have turned into.
I'm sick tonight. My stomach hurts so bad I could cry.
I won't sleep. Sleep is a rare occurrence these days.
I'll just lay here praying for sleep and hoping morning comes quickly.
Sometimes I fight it, but I'll give in tonight chances are...
I don't deserve help. I'm fine. I can just keep going.... right?
What if I die from this? I don't want to, but I could. I'm scared.
I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.
I'm just the crazy girl with the eating disorder.
I wish I was more. I try to be more than what I have turned into.
I'm sick tonight. My stomach hurts so bad I could cry.
I won't sleep. Sleep is a rare occurrence these days.
I'll just lay here praying for sleep and hoping morning comes quickly.
Sometimes I fight it, but I'll give in tonight chances are...
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