It's Not About Food

I have heard and read that eating disorders are not about food, but today at my weekly appointments is when it hit me. My dietitian, R, talked to me today about how in any eating disorder it is about repressing feelings that you do not want to deal with. In my case, I restrict what I eat to repress and bury my feelings that I don't want to deal with. She said it was my way to numb those feelings. I really thought about this today for some reason and it made sense to me for the first time.

I have had bad things happen to me, as everyone does throughout life, and I have a hard time expressing how I feel about it. I try to move on and hide my emotions, but that is not what I should do. Lately, I have been restricting to numb that pain. When I have hard days, right away I want to starve myself. It seems so automatic now. I am afraid that if I stop restricting I will have to deal with these horrible feelings that are haunting me. I am afraid that some day when I don't rely so heavily on my eating disorder, I will have to deal with the pain. I am scared. I am scared to see and feel what will be left when my eating disorder is gone.

Breakfast Comes Back

Things are not the best for me these days. I am trying so hard in every aspect of my life and nothing seems to be getting better, especially my eating disorder. It is so frustrating. I spend hours sitting at a doctor’s office and hours reading books in hopes that one day all this pain will go away. Does it get better one day? Will I someday have my life back or will I always feel this way? I am so confused and feeling hopeless.
I had my dietician and therapist appointments today… every Friday. Breakfast has been something that has been very hard for me. At my lowest point I was eating probably one meal a day and never eating breakfast, so the addition of breakfast has been hard. I have been now eating three small meals a day, including breakfast. I needed to start eating more, so I can mentally focus better and start to really understand my feelings and what is going on in my head. I am still nowhere near where I need to be quantity wise, but this is a huge step for me. Snacks are another thing that I refuse to eat, so that will be another hard step, but that is not even in my goals yet. My therapist has offered to have a “supported snack” with me during our session though. It would be like a mid morning snack. I am not sure how I feel about this. It scares me a lot, but having her there eating with me might help. I will have to let you all know how it goes. Another goal is to have one food that is on my “unsafe” list. This list is miles long, so it is not at all hard to find something. The food I picked was pizza, but it could really be anything I think is “bad”. My plan is to have pizza with Travis next week. When I think about it, I want to puke. I hate the idea. I do not want to have pizza…… That was just my eating disorder talking, sorry. It jumps in sometimes. What I really mean is that I know I can do it with his support and love. It will just be a scary uncomfortable experience for me.

Today with my therapist, we talked a lot about how my eating disorder wants me to lonely and sad. And now it does not want me to be around people. I brought this up today because I have been struggling with it. I feel the need and want to lock myself in my room. I feel that no one likes me and that I am not good enough to be anyone’s friend. I do not think that is the case, but at the same time I don’t know. I do have a hard time opening up to people and I am shy, but that does not mean I want to be lonely. I feel that I am being judged all the time and it is hard to be around others. I hope one day I can have friends again and feel happy and have fun with others.

I have recently gotten news that my Grandpa is not doing well. He has been sick for a long time and the doctors do not give him much longer to live. He is suffering and I feel so bad for him. I wish I could ease his pain and the pain of our family. It is hard to lose a loved one. A few years ago I lost an uncle and Aunt to cancer and that was a horrible experience for me and my family. I know that it is part of life, but it is a horrible part. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing else seems important right now. I want to be home and spending time with my family. Life is so short. You need to say how you feel and do what makes you happy. And you need to be with those you love every day. Since I have known my Grandpa he has not been able to say much, but I know he loves us all. And we love him just as much. I’m praying for him....

ED and Relationships

Since the beginning, my boyfriend and I have had a great relationship. We have fun together and make each other laugh. We can have fun together doing nothing and that is the best. We have had a connection from the moment we met. We are truly in love and it is an amazing feeling. He is a wonderful guy and treats me like a princess. My eating disorder has taken a tole on our relationship though. We argue a lot now and have a hard time communicating. I am angry, depressed, and sick most of the time, so it is hard to have a good functioning relationship. He likes to stay up late and spend time together, but I have no energy and cannot stay up past 10:30 pm. We used to stay up late into the night and watch movies and talk about everything, but now I cannot stay awake. My eating disorder has made me a closed up and sad person, so it is hard to make any relationship work, especially this one. I feel distant from him most of the time and I don't want to feel that way. I think it is because my eating disorder wants me only to have a relationship with it and no one else. I spend my day constantly battling myself and that comes out as anger towards Travis. Doing anthing sexual is also super difficult for me for more reasons than one, so that also makes things hard. Travis is my best friend and has never doubted me throughout our time together and throughout my struggle with food. He has been my strength to get through every day and we try so hard to make our relationship better. It is not easy when we argue a lot and do not get to spend much time together, but someday I hope that we will be even more in love than we are right now. Things are slowly getting better, but I miss the things we used to do and the way I used to feel. I miss him...