3 years ago
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The past few days have been very busy for me to say the least. I am back at school and away from home again. Being at school is fuel for my ED because I am on my own and can get away with not eating. I also eat in a cafeteria here, which is a breeding ground for my ED. It loves to tell me all the things I cannot eat and where my "safe zones" are. It tells me to say in the salad bar line and eat a lot of fruits and veggies. It says to not put any cheese on anything and to stay away from butter, mayo, regular dressing, pizza, bread, juice, regular soda, cookies, soup, burgers, and pretty much anything with fat in it. And when I see those damn cookies and they smell so good, it tells me only fat, ugly, and stupid people eat them. I have to plan out everything I am going to eat before I enter that cafeteria or else I probably would choose to not eat. Walking in there is so overwhelming and confusing right now. I hate it. I watch people around me laughing and eating ice cream with friends. They look so happy. I want that.
Another thing cafeterias bring to the table (literally) is eating with large groups. This is also fuel for my ED. It tells me to eat less than everyone around me and to make sure to never finish my plate. It tells me that everyone is watching me and that they all are judging me when I eat. I have been eating with large groups often and it is very hard. I much rather eat alone and not go through it, but I know how much it will help me recover. I eat with a group of women that make it easier on me. They are always laughing and having a great time and it makes me feel comfortable. If I didn't have them or my boyfriend to eat with, this would be much more difficult. When I am eating in groups, I love to watch others eat. What is she having? How much is he eating? It makes me feel like I am eating it myself and then makes me feel better. I could watch others eat all day and never have to pick up a fork. And do not forget that my ED loves this too. When I watch others eat, my ED tells me the person will get fat from eating and how much more self control I have for not eating. It praises me when I do this and who does not love praise? I find it funny that some days my ED can be my enemy and other days feel like my friend, who compliments me all the time. I wish it would make up its mind and stop playing these mind games with me.
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4 comments:
I think that dealing with cafeterias is one of the hardest part of e.d. recovery. I've been there and know how painful it can be.
Have you considered speaking to someone about arranging having packed meals so that you don't have to eat in the cafeteria? I know that this removes the social aspect (which can be as fun as it is terrifying), but if it lets you eat properly that would be a good move. In my experience most universities are happy to arrange such things if you chat to them.
That is an option, so I might consider that some days. I think it is important for me to eat there sometimes as a part of recovery though. My university is very accommodating when it comes to this kind of thing, so I'm sure they would help me out.
I know exactly how you feel. Getting over your fear of eating in public is crucial to recovery. I know it is, or else it would be easy. We all have to find a way to be comfortable enough with ourselves to step out, and show our most vunerable sides.
It sucks. But it'll get better. Keep hoping :)
Hi. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I hear you on the cafeteria issue. I am an undergraduate in college and I loathe the cafe. In fact, I avoid it like the plague because it is such a trigger of anxiety for me. It is awful though because then I miss so many social opportunities...sorry I'm rambling. Anyways, I look forward to reading more!
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