Kinda Random

As I sit in this empty dorm room, I tend to think too much. I think about my life and I think about other’s lives. I think many things at once. Here are some of the things going through my head….

I have been having chest pain again. It has become more frequent lately, so that is something I worry about. I usually get it when I do not eat, but I'm thinking this time it is a combo of that and stress. Since I'm very stressed/anxious/worried right now.

A lot has happened in the past couple of years, so nothing much surprises me anymore. There is nothing that could happen that would shock me because right now I’m ready. I’m ready to deal with anything that comes my way. BRING IT ON.

Eating wise this week has been average I guess. My goal this week was to eat a sandwich with mayo on it. I haven’t done that yet, so tomorrow is the day. I actually might cry I think. It sounds stupid when I write that, but it is the truth. The last thing I want to do is add more calories and fat to my sandwich, which already has plenty of both of those. I just have to do it. No questions. Just go…..

I also have this sudden urge to step on a scale. Really bad. I haven’t stepped on one in months and I want to know that number. Why you ask? My ED tells me I need to know and it tells me that the number will tell me how I feel about myself. If it is higher than I think…. My day is ruined, I am a big, fat, ugly cow, and I will not eat. If it is lower than what I think…. I rock, I am beautiful, and I need to keep starving myself to make it stay down. It is a vicious cycle that sucks, but it is my life right now.

It sucks when a person you liked and you cared for does something horrible and stupid to hurt you. I do not get angry easily, but there are three things that piss me off more than anything – cheating on your significant other, sexual abusers, and lying. Do that and I will never forget or forgive.

Last week at my appointments they told me that they are concerned because it looks like I’m losing weight and getting close to being underweight. They currently are not weighing me every week, but now they are going to start. I don’t get it because I feel like I am eating so much more now. I also “feel fat” and “see fat” when I look in the mirror, so when I hear them say that it makes no sense to me. CrAzY…………………..

My mind is racing with this plus much more. I wish I could shut it off and relax.