Breathe it Baby

So I sleep like maybe a couple of hours a night. While I am awake for countless hours a night I should be doing homework, but instead I am browsing the web. Or Facebook of course. BUT on my adventures in the middle of the night, I found my new current obsession. Breathe Carolina. OMG. I. Can't. Get. Enough. Check them out!

My favorite album is the newest one - Hell Is What You Make It. Top songs on the album are probably... Gone So Long, They Say You Won't Come Back, and Blackout.

I have been sooo bored with my music lately. I can only listen to Lady Gaga, Jason Aldean, and Katy Perry so much. This is a refreshing for me. Ahhhh. Breathe it baby....

Four Things...

One - I am so confused. Confused about my life. The relationships in my life. Where my life is going. What my life means. What life is really about. And I guess just what matters in my life.

Two - I know I say this a lot, but I feel like I don't matter. I feel like one small spec of dirt among the millions on the planet. I feel insignificant. Insignificant to those around me and to myself.

Three - People make me crazy. People are just odd. I know I am weird, but some people are beyond weird. Like a frog with four eyes... weird. I just don't understand a lot of what people are doing most of the time.

Four - I want to be able to be open. To have a "normal" relationship. To not put up walls because I am trying to protect myself. I have been hurt. Not just hurt like when you stub your toe, but like heartbroken. Deeply let down and disappointed. Physically hurt. Sexually hurt. I feel I am missing out on relationships, friends or boyfriends, because I am scared of being vulnerable. Because I have to be tough to protect myself.

What Now?

What am I going to do? I wish I had you to talk to. I always could talk to you about anything. I can't anymore.

I just pass you on the sidewalk and can't say a word. I want to say so much. I have tears that need to fall down. I have sadness that needs to be comforted.

You are here around me, but you are not here with me. I don't know if I can stay here any longer and bare this.

My life is about to change for the better(I hope), and I can't even share it with you.

I Think of Us

When I see a young couple walking hand in hand pushing their new baby boy in a stroller.... I think of us.

When I lay in bed at night and can't sleep... I think of us.

When a car that looks like yours drives by... I think of us.

When that country love song comes on the radio on the way to work... I think of us.

When I hear my friends are engaged or married... I think of us.

When I go back to that city... I think of us.

When something amazing happens and I pick up the phone to call you... I think of us.

When the shot of whiskey starts to get to me... I think of us.

When I catch a strong scent of your cologne... I think of us.

When I watch my parents walking hand in hand... I think of us.

When I starve myself and I'm sick... I think of us.

When I watch that movie we always watched together... I think of us.

When don't I think of us?

Chances Are

I need help, but I don't know where to go or who to ask. I keep going through life this way with the idea that "it's not that bad", but is it?

I don't deserve help. I'm fine. I can just keep going.... right?

What if I die from this? I don't want to, but I could. I'm scared.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.

I'm just the crazy girl with the eating disorder.

I wish I was more. I try to be more than what I have turned into.

I'm sick tonight. My stomach hurts so bad I could cry.

I won't sleep. Sleep is a rare occurrence these days.

I'll just lay here praying for sleep and hoping morning comes quickly.

Sometimes I fight it, but I'll give in tonight chances are...

Peace (but not the sign)

I just want some peace here. Peace and quiet.
Peace in my own head and peace around me.

I want to be peaceful. The adjective.
I want to make peace. The verb.
And I want peace. The noun.

Peaceful like the early morning dew on each blade of grass.
Peace like the forgiving hug between a husband and wife.
Peace like the stillness of a deer deep in the woods.

Peace. I want it. In whichever form it chooses to come in.

Rainy Day Feeling

I miss you tonight.
It's like that rainy day type feeling.
You don't deserve to be missed.
But I miss you anyways.
I need a hug and no one is here.
I need someone to say that things will be okay.
You always did that.
But now your doing that for someone else.
I loved you and you threw it all away.
You idiot.
It hurts. You hurt me.
Time for me to move on.
Move on with my life.
My life.
Not our lives. Not our dreams. Not our goals.
Just me now.
It used to be simple.
We loved eachother.
It's not so simple anymore. Is it?