Changes?

Tonight I feel like crap. I have a horrible headache and get random cold and hot flashes. I am exhausted and just feel like sleeping. I guess that is what I get for not taking care of myself. Anyways....

Something that I have been reading about is that eating disorders are very much linked to genetics. This is something that people really never think about. I get comments all the time about how having an eating disorder is a choice and if I wanted to get better I would just eat. This frustrates me because who the hell would choose to have an ED? Who would want to be sad, angry, sick, and depressed all the time? Beats me. Now research shows that eating disorders are very much similar to mental disorders such as Bipolar. This is very interesting since this information could potentially change many many things in the eating disorder world, like insurance coverage and treatment methods. It is also interesting how an ED can be passed from generation to generation. I was asked in therapy once if there was a history of eating disorders in my family and I said no. My therapist at the time replied, "There is. They just don't know it." This totally makes sense and is true. I then worry about passing an ED on to my children or passing on personality traits that can contribute to an ED. I am curious though, to see where this genetic research goes and what does happen. I am hoping for good things and more treatment options someday.

What I Wish They Knew

What do I wish my family and friends could know?

I wish they could know how scared I am that I will never be okay.

I wish they could know how ashamed I am of what I put them through.

I wish they could know that I desperately need their love, even as I push them away.

I wish they could know I feel like even more of a failure if I have to ask for help.

I wish they could know that I hurt myself because I don't know how else to respond.

I wish they knew that the hardest part of this is the devestation my loved ones feel.

I wish they could know how totally embarrasing it is to me that I am like this.

I wish they could see how mean I am to myself because I don't deserve anything good.

I wish they knew how much I need to hear that they believe in me because I don't believe in myself.

I wish they could understand that this disease is stronger than me.

I wish they could hear the things my mind tells me, constant reminders that I am bad and unloveable.

I wish they could know that I feel empty inside.

I wish they could know that I love them more than anything but I am afraid to show it.

I wish they could know that I will do almost anything to avoid being vulnerable.

I wish they could understand that I feel like a freak.

I wish they could know that I lie so they don't have to know the horrible truth.

I wish they could know that I need their help to beat this, but I am afraid to ask.

This is Lonely

I'm sad tonight. I just really would like to break down and cry. I would like to get it all out, but I can't. I need to be tough and put on a happy face because that is what people expect. I am a positive happy person, but sometimes I feel like I am dying inside and losing myself to this disease. I often wonder what it would be like not to have an eating disorder. What would it be like to eat when I am hungry and to eat what tastes good to me? When I eat I get the most horrible feeling in the world. I want to feel pretty for once in my life and to feel like people like me. I have never had many friends and it is hard not to have friends. My ED has become my friend, my best friend. It pushes everyone else away when I want to build a closer relationship with people. I won't let people in. I will not open up. A couple of months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. Even after being with him for that long, I could not let him in. He tried so hard and I ran the opposite direction. I pushed away the man that I love and my closest friend for my ED. That is what I do. I get to a certain place with someone and then I put up a wall. The wall being my ED. It gets super jealous of anyone else. This is what makes it hard to be in any type of relationship. Having an ED gets pretty lonely.

I'm Alive

It has been a long freaking time since I have blogged. I apologize, but my life has been pretty crazy. School has pretty much taken over my life. I am a senior in college... what a weird feeling by the way. I better figure out what to do with my life asap.

My ED is still around. It will never go away. I have stopped treatment for now too. I originally stopped because I was working and starting school. I convinced myself that I was "too busy" to go and what a lie that was. At first, I felt like I was doing better without treatment. Now, everything is coming back again though. I can feel the ED slowly taking over and it sucks because I feel like I can't stop it.

I feel nasty and gross and fat and ugly. I know that I have gained like a gazillion pounds and I hate myself for it. I can still feel my ribs, but I can't see them at all which sucks. My clothes feel so tight and it bothers me like crazy. I cannot wear half of my clothes because they feel dangerously tight. I know I can lose the poundage though because I just won't eat. I think my ED might be brain washing me again, but at this point I have no idea. I just know that I love to feel hungry and when I eat I feel nasty and dirty. Starvation is addicting. That may sound crazy, but it is.

The other part of my ED, the bingeing/purging part, has also been lingering around. I hate bingeing. I feel so completely alone and empty, so that is why I feel the need to fill myself with food. BUT as soon as it is inside of me, I want it out! So time to exercise until I die pretty much. I just find it easier to not eat at all. No one says they are concerned with how thin I am, so that must mean I am fat. People tell me I look "good". Good? WTF? In my mind good = FAT. Do not tell me I look "good" because "good" is not really good.

Paris ici que je viens!

Dreams. Everyone has them, whether you want to marry your high school sweetheart, fly to the moon, or run a marathon, we all have them. My dreams were put aside to make room for my eating disorder. I have been so focused on food and eating that I forgot all about me and what I want out of this crazy thing called life. My ED makes me so focused on what everyone else thinks and what everyone wants me to do. My ED makes me think I am being judged constantly. It even talks me into believing that my dreams are dumb and out of reach.

Today, I met with an old friend. She was my favorite high school teacher and we also traveled over seas together. We traveled to Latvia, Poland, and Lithuania. I have not seen her in four years and we met at Caribou for coffee today. What could be better than good conversation and a good latte? Not much. My ED told me many times to cancel on her and to make up an excuse not to go, but I fought it all the way and went because I wanted to. I was not going to let my ED take over today. It ended up being great and she is going to help me fulfill one of my dreams! She asked me to go back to Latvia with her next summer and then go to PARIS! Wow! I have always wanted to experience Paris and now I can. I cannot wait.

If I would have listened to my ED today and not went to meet my friend, my dream of going to Paris would most likely never have happened. As I sit in my bed tonight, I am proud I went today and stood up against my ED. It is hard and most days I do not want to do it, but I know that if I want to do anything in life or be happy, I have to. Every day my ED tells me that my dreams and my goals are dumb and unattainable, but I know anything is possible. That was proven to me today, so I better start brushing up on my French.... I'll start with the title of this post :)

New Start

I gave my blog a new title and am kind of restarting. The title, Dear ED, I Hate You, is the beginning to a letter I hope to write to my eating disorder someday saying goodbye. When I finish treatment, I hope to be able to finish that letter. This blog will be about my hard times and good times along the way.

I guess I will maybe tell everyone a little about me. I am a 21 year old college student. I live at home with my parents. I have a job and work as much as I can to try and make ends meet. I am in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He is my rock. I love horses and being outdoors. I also love coffee, Cherry Coke Zero, and cereal. Mini Wheats are pretty much heaven in a bowl :)

I have been struggling with my eating disorder, but have been working hard to try and keep fighting. For those of you who do not know, I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) a couple of years ago. I am going to a new treatment center closer to home starting in a couple weeks. This will be my third time switching, but finding the right fit takes time. It will be a new adventure for me. I hope it works out and is what I need. I also would like to try group therapy. I have trouble building relationships because of my eating disorder and have trouble in social situations, so a group would help me. It freaks me out, but I want to give it a try.

I hope to some day write a book about my eating disorder (ED) and my recovery. I wonder if people would actually want to read it or if it would get published? All I can do is wonder for now....

Cookie Monster

It is the middle of the night and I am having bingeing thoughts. With EDNOS, I get thoughts of restriction (Anorexia) and thoughts of bingeing (Bulimia). Since my ED is basically yelling at me right now, I thought I would write and get these bad thoughts out...

Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.

I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.