3 years ago
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It is the middle of the night and I am having bingeing thoughts. With EDNOS, I get thoughts of restriction (Anorexia) and thoughts of bingeing (Bulimia). Since my ED is basically yelling at me right now, I thought I would write and get these bad thoughts out...
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment