To eat or not to eat?

To eat or not to eat? That is the question. The question I struggle with every second of every day. It is draining...

If I eat, I will feel guilty and starve myself the rest of the day. If I don't eat, I will feel great about myself and be happier.

If I eat, I will be less hungry and have more energy. If I don't eat, I will be sick, tired, and weak.

If I eat, I will hate myself and feel like crying. If I don't eat, I will look in the mirror and like myself a little bit more.

If I eat, my body will get the nutrients it needs to stay alive. If I don't eat, I will eventually die.

If I eat, I will be so upset and angry with myself for having no self control. If I don't eat, I will take pride in how strong I am for resisting the hunger.

If I eat, I will gain weight. If I don't eat, I will lose weight.

If I eat, I will be fat. If I don't eat, I will be thin.

Thin.

Hungry

I. Am. Sad.

Very sad.

I feel like I'm sinking.

I want to sleep.

Why don't I have any friends?

Why doesn't anyone call me?

No one wants me.

Am I that fat and ugly?

I must be.

Too bad, because I am hungry.

But not hungry enough to eat.

When will this be over?

Can I be done?

I just want to cry.

I wish I could.

Must. Hold. It. Together.

Plain and Simple

Sometimes I am just not okay and I wish people understood that.

Tonight

Sometimes I won't even think of you.
Your image is not in my head.
Your name never comes up.

But then there is tonight.
When all of you comes back.
The memories. The emotion.
Its running right through me.

I never thought you would do this.
Hurt me as if I didn't matter.
Nothing you say can change it now.

But then there is tonight.
When I want to call you up.
Tell you the exciting news.
I just have to hold myself back.

My phone never rings anymore.
I keep hoping someone will call.
Anyone but you.

But then there is tonight.
I can't sleep because I miss you.
Not even whiskey could fix this.
The hurt so deep inside of me.

Most days I feel I can get by.
I am tough enough.
But then there is tonight.

Tomorrow

I wanted this to work. I wanted it to be a great experience.
The time of my life. I wanted to learn a lot.
I wanted to be liked and be respected. I wanted all the above.

Too bad it has to end this way. Too bad I have to leave.
The idea was great. At least I can say that I tried. I tried.
Most people wouldn't try.
But I did.

And most people would stay too.
Stay and endure the - for lack of a better word - shit.
But I'm not. I'm too stubborn and too tough.
I'm starting over tomorrow.
Tomorrow... I'm gonna leave here.

The Flame

Well, here goes nothing. I'm leaving.
I am embarking on a new adventure. All alone.
My chance to make something of this. Of me.
What is going to happen? I'm scared.
But I am so excited.
I want to jump out of my skin.
I get to do what?

Will I be successful?
Was this the right choice?
I hope this is in God's plan. It has to be.
Or maybe it will be wrong.
And all the memories will haunt me.
I have to dig deep.
Deep into this strength. A strength not many see.

I keep fighting it. The way I feel.
But this was meant for me.
It is what I was born to do.
Why do I try so hard to run away?
Avoid the fire that is burning inside.
I tried to put it out.
But the flame is just too high.

Confused

I don't really know what my life is supposed to be. I feel like I need a direction or someone to tell me where to go. I feel like I am sitting in no man's land. I listen to others my age talk about the job they are striving for or the Grad school they are applying for. I have none of that. I wish I knew what my purpose was. I wish I knew what would make me the happiest. I try to live in the moment and enjoy the days as they come, but I cannot help but think about the future. I know that there is more than this. There has to be.

I have dreams every night about jobs that I left, friends that I miss, and opportunities that passed by. I try to live my life with no regrets, but I do have some. I believe everything happens for a reason and God has some grand plan for my life. I just wish I knew what it was and where I go from here.