3 years ago
Monday, January 18, 2010
Dear ED,
It seems you have taken over my life entirely. I do not know how this all happened. I do not know how it got this bad. Where along this journey did I lose myself? At what point did you take over? This is all a blur to me. My life has become a blur. It seems like I have lost everything and I do not know what to do next. I just want to cry. I only know you and the games you play, so what will it be like to live without you? What is my life minus you? What will it be like when you are gone?
You have become my best friend and have taken me away from my other friends. You tell me that I am not good enough and that I am a failure. You tell me I am overweight and gross to look at. You make me feel horrible about myself. You make me angry, sad, and happy all at once. I look to you for everything and I trust you to take care of me, even though I should not. I believe what you say to me. As if it is not enough to make me sick mentally, you also make me sick physically. You take the life and energy right out of me. I rather stay in bed than get up and be the happy energetic person I used to be. What hass happened to me?
Our relationship has made me a different person. A person I do not know. A person who gets angry at everything and that has to have things perfect. A person who is obsessed with the way she looks, not how she feels. I never used to be like this. I was a person who had so much life and loved everything. I was never upset and I was carefree. You stole that from me. You have stolen everything from me that I have ever known. Give me my life back. Give it to me. I miss it.
You have separated me from everyone that I love, especially Travis. You have done a number on our relationship, but he has never left. He is the man of my dreams and you cannot push him away. He is much stronger than you. I know that you feel threatened by him and you should. Travis will never give up on me. He has my heart and you will never have it. You will never be what he is to me. You lie to me and I hate liars. I hate you.
Someday our relationship will not be like this. Someday I will not think of you as often and I will not wait for you to determine how I feel, how I look, and how I act. You cannot control me because I am free. I run free like wild horses and I will not let you stop me. You throw many barriers in my direction and make everything a billion times as hard, but I will keep going. I am a cowgirl and everyone knows not to fight against a cowgirl because you will not win. I do not give up and I will not give up. Because of you, I have to start over. I have to begin again. You have hurt me in a way that I have never been hurt before and I can never forgive you. I know you are in this for the long haul, but I am not. One day our relationship will end and the day is coming sooner than you think.
Sincerely,
Me
It seems you have taken over my life entirely. I do not know how this all happened. I do not know how it got this bad. Where along this journey did I lose myself? At what point did you take over? This is all a blur to me. My life has become a blur. It seems like I have lost everything and I do not know what to do next. I just want to cry. I only know you and the games you play, so what will it be like to live without you? What is my life minus you? What will it be like when you are gone?
You have become my best friend and have taken me away from my other friends. You tell me that I am not good enough and that I am a failure. You tell me I am overweight and gross to look at. You make me feel horrible about myself. You make me angry, sad, and happy all at once. I look to you for everything and I trust you to take care of me, even though I should not. I believe what you say to me. As if it is not enough to make me sick mentally, you also make me sick physically. You take the life and energy right out of me. I rather stay in bed than get up and be the happy energetic person I used to be. What hass happened to me?
Our relationship has made me a different person. A person I do not know. A person who gets angry at everything and that has to have things perfect. A person who is obsessed with the way she looks, not how she feels. I never used to be like this. I was a person who had so much life and loved everything. I was never upset and I was carefree. You stole that from me. You have stolen everything from me that I have ever known. Give me my life back. Give it to me. I miss it.
You have separated me from everyone that I love, especially Travis. You have done a number on our relationship, but he has never left. He is the man of my dreams and you cannot push him away. He is much stronger than you. I know that you feel threatened by him and you should. Travis will never give up on me. He has my heart and you will never have it. You will never be what he is to me. You lie to me and I hate liars. I hate you.
Someday our relationship will not be like this. Someday I will not think of you as often and I will not wait for you to determine how I feel, how I look, and how I act. You cannot control me because I am free. I run free like wild horses and I will not let you stop me. You throw many barriers in my direction and make everything a billion times as hard, but I will keep going. I am a cowgirl and everyone knows not to fight against a cowgirl because you will not win. I do not give up and I will not give up. Because of you, I have to start over. I have to begin again. You have hurt me in a way that I have never been hurt before and I can never forgive you. I know you are in this for the long haul, but I am not. One day our relationship will end and the day is coming sooner than you think.
Sincerely,
Me
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
amazing! my #9 post is called letter to my ed. isnt it so helpful to get it out like this! maybe try printing it off and putting it somewhere you can read each day to remind yourself that you ed is separate to who you are and if you could speak to it this is what you would/have said!
I think printing this off would be a great idea. I will have to do that. I'm glad to hear you did the same thing. It helps a lot and I will have to keep doing it every once in a while.
nice one. I also know how you feel when you write in your cafetaria post about your e.d cheering you on as others eat up. its so sad that our minds are thinking these things and the others minds are probably just thinking.. mmm yumm. we will get there. you write really well.
loubie
Post a Comment