Now

This eating disorder has turned my life upside down. Here is a list of what exactly has changed.

I used to have friends... now I rather be alone.

I never knew or paid attention to what others were eating... now I know what everyone is eating and how many calories they have eaten.

I used to smile all the time... now I am usually angry.

I was a carefree person... now I am stressed and worried constantly.

I used to enjoy doing a lot of things... now I do not enjoy doing anything.

I never once read a food label... now that is all I do.

I never used to run out of energy... now I want to sleep all the time.

My favorite pop used to be Dr. Pepper... now it is anything with zero calories.

I used to be able to eat in groups... now it scares me.

My favorite food was ice cream... now it is cereal and fruit.

I used to hate to exercise... now it is something I have to do.

I never used to care how many calories were in anything... now I know how many calories are in everything.

I used to be happy... now I am just sad.

When I went to restaurants I used to order what I was hungry for... now I order what is the "healthiest".

I used to like to cook... now I love to cook, but will not eat anything I make.

I used to have a plan for my life... now I am very confused.

The only time I thought about food was when I was hungry... now I think about food all the time.

I used to be able to take compliments... now anything anyone says means I am fat.

I used to have control of my emotions... now I have mood swings every few minutes.

My finger nails used to grow quickly... now they peel and break off.

I used to be happy with my body... now all I want to do is be skinny.

I never cared about what others thought... now I only care about what others think.

I used to never get sick... now I am sick all the time.

I used to live eating disorder free... now I fight to live every day with this eating disorder.

The Truth

Sorry that I have not updated in a while. I have been super busy with school, homework, horses, and work. Things have been crazy and my eating disorder has sure been working in high gear.

Friday's are my days at the doctor. I had appointments today with my therapist, L, and my new dietician, who I will call R. L has had me do some thinking about how I think and I have been analyzing my thoughts. It is scary sometimes, but it is eye-opening also. For so long I have just thought a certain way and not thought about it. I never have thought about why I do not eat anything, I just do it. My ED is scary to pick apart and sort through. I have also been in touch with a weird part of me. A part of my mind where I rather not go to. I am digging up anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, loneliness, and many other emotions I did not know I had. L suggested that I start a journal so I have a place to get down my feeling on paper. I hope this helps. I wrote a poem tonight to express some of my emotions that seemed to be hiding. Let me know what you think of it. Enjoy.

The Truth

The truth is
I hate you.
Inside and out and
everything you do.

The truth is
I am mad.
At you and me.
How did it get so bad?

The truth is
I miss the fun
And our time together.
But you chose to run.

The truth is
I have more to say
But you left this.
And I had to stay.

The truth is
I do not want to let go.
I am too stubborn.
You should know.

The truth is
I know where you are.
I will come for you.
Even if you are afar.

The truth is
I just want to cry.
These tears are caused
by how you can tell a lie.

The truth is
You should suffer.
Like I do every day.
It makes me tougher.

The truth is
You cannot do this forever.
I will be free someday.
But you will never.