To eat or not to eat?

To eat or not to eat? That is the question. The question I struggle with every second of every day. It is draining...

If I eat, I will feel guilty and starve myself the rest of the day. If I don't eat, I will feel great about myself and be happier.

If I eat, I will be less hungry and have more energy. If I don't eat, I will be sick, tired, and weak.

If I eat, I will hate myself and feel like crying. If I don't eat, I will look in the mirror and like myself a little bit more.

If I eat, my body will get the nutrients it needs to stay alive. If I don't eat, I will eventually die.

If I eat, I will be so upset and angry with myself for having no self control. If I don't eat, I will take pride in how strong I am for resisting the hunger.

If I eat, I will gain weight. If I don't eat, I will lose weight.

If I eat, I will be fat. If I don't eat, I will be thin.

Thin.

Hungry

I. Am. Sad.

Very sad.

I feel like I'm sinking.

I want to sleep.

Why don't I have any friends?

Why doesn't anyone call me?

No one wants me.

Am I that fat and ugly?

I must be.

Too bad, because I am hungry.

But not hungry enough to eat.

When will this be over?

Can I be done?

I just want to cry.

I wish I could.

Must. Hold. It. Together.

Plain and Simple

Sometimes I am just not okay and I wish people understood that.