The Beginning

I never really told how my ED began or how I actually got into treatment, so I thought I would write about it today.

I have been asked many times when my ED started and I do not really know. I have heard others say they can remember it as early as six years old, but I can never recall having ED thoughts that early. I do remember it in high school though and wanting to look like the "popular" girls. I hate the word "popular", but that is what they were. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to have a boyfriend. I never acted on these thoughts though, but I do remember being a perfectionist. My hair had to always be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. So I don't remember ED thoughts, but I do remember my personality traits that are connected to my ED.

Something horrible happened to me when I was seventeen. After that happened, I became depressed and did not eat much. I remember skipping meals often and trying to avoid eating. I worked nights at this time and went to work around 4pm. This allowed me to be gone when my family ate dinner. My mom would save me a plate to heat up when I go home, but I would just pretend to eat it. I actually threw the food in the trash. I also remember people telling me I looked great because I had lost some weight. That made me feel great and kept my ED alive. These are some the starting memories I had of my ED.

I am twenty one now and I started treatment last year. My family and my boyfriend sat me down and talked to me. They were so worried about me because I became so unstable emotionally and physically. I felt weak, had chest pain constantly, was always tired, and was fainting, so I understood that they were worried, but I did not want to go to treatment. Even today I hate to go. I was angry at my family for saying all this, but I knew it had to be done.

I called and went in for my evaluation appointment. Here, I filled out a lot of paperwork and got checked by doctors. They took blood, looked at my heart, took my hight and weight and so much more that I do not fully remember. I don't remember a lot from that time. Then they told me that I had what was called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. EDNOS is a mixture of Anorexia and Bulimia and it is just as severe. I had no idea what that was, so I was even more scared and confused. I remember coming out and crying in my boyfriend's arms. I was so scared. I hated every second of it, but I did it. The first step is always the hardest.