It's Not About Food

I have heard and read that eating disorders are not about food, but today at my weekly appointments is when it hit me. My dietitian, R, talked to me today about how in any eating disorder it is about repressing feelings that you do not want to deal with. In my case, I restrict what I eat to repress and bury my feelings that I don't want to deal with. She said it was my way to numb those feelings. I really thought about this today for some reason and it made sense to me for the first time.

I have had bad things happen to me, as everyone does throughout life, and I have a hard time expressing how I feel about it. I try to move on and hide my emotions, but that is not what I should do. Lately, I have been restricting to numb that pain. When I have hard days, right away I want to starve myself. It seems so automatic now. I am afraid that if I stop restricting I will have to deal with these horrible feelings that are haunting me. I am afraid that some day when I don't rely so heavily on my eating disorder, I will have to deal with the pain. I am scared. I am scared to see and feel what will be left when my eating disorder is gone.

Breakfast Comes Back

Things are not the best for me these days. I am trying so hard in every aspect of my life and nothing seems to be getting better, especially my eating disorder. It is so frustrating. I spend hours sitting at a doctor’s office and hours reading books in hopes that one day all this pain will go away. Does it get better one day? Will I someday have my life back or will I always feel this way? I am so confused and feeling hopeless.
I had my dietician and therapist appointments today… every Friday. Breakfast has been something that has been very hard for me. At my lowest point I was eating probably one meal a day and never eating breakfast, so the addition of breakfast has been hard. I have been now eating three small meals a day, including breakfast. I needed to start eating more, so I can mentally focus better and start to really understand my feelings and what is going on in my head. I am still nowhere near where I need to be quantity wise, but this is a huge step for me. Snacks are another thing that I refuse to eat, so that will be another hard step, but that is not even in my goals yet. My therapist has offered to have a “supported snack” with me during our session though. It would be like a mid morning snack. I am not sure how I feel about this. It scares me a lot, but having her there eating with me might help. I will have to let you all know how it goes. Another goal is to have one food that is on my “unsafe” list. This list is miles long, so it is not at all hard to find something. The food I picked was pizza, but it could really be anything I think is “bad”. My plan is to have pizza with Travis next week. When I think about it, I want to puke. I hate the idea. I do not want to have pizza…… That was just my eating disorder talking, sorry. It jumps in sometimes. What I really mean is that I know I can do it with his support and love. It will just be a scary uncomfortable experience for me.

Today with my therapist, we talked a lot about how my eating disorder wants me to lonely and sad. And now it does not want me to be around people. I brought this up today because I have been struggling with it. I feel the need and want to lock myself in my room. I feel that no one likes me and that I am not good enough to be anyone’s friend. I do not think that is the case, but at the same time I don’t know. I do have a hard time opening up to people and I am shy, but that does not mean I want to be lonely. I feel that I am being judged all the time and it is hard to be around others. I hope one day I can have friends again and feel happy and have fun with others.

I have recently gotten news that my Grandpa is not doing well. He has been sick for a long time and the doctors do not give him much longer to live. He is suffering and I feel so bad for him. I wish I could ease his pain and the pain of our family. It is hard to lose a loved one. A few years ago I lost an uncle and Aunt to cancer and that was a horrible experience for me and my family. I know that it is part of life, but it is a horrible part. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing else seems important right now. I want to be home and spending time with my family. Life is so short. You need to say how you feel and do what makes you happy. And you need to be with those you love every day. Since I have known my Grandpa he has not been able to say much, but I know he loves us all. And we love him just as much. I’m praying for him....

ED and Relationships

Since the beginning, my boyfriend and I have had a great relationship. We have fun together and make each other laugh. We can have fun together doing nothing and that is the best. We have had a connection from the moment we met. We are truly in love and it is an amazing feeling. He is a wonderful guy and treats me like a princess. My eating disorder has taken a tole on our relationship though. We argue a lot now and have a hard time communicating. I am angry, depressed, and sick most of the time, so it is hard to have a good functioning relationship. He likes to stay up late and spend time together, but I have no energy and cannot stay up past 10:30 pm. We used to stay up late into the night and watch movies and talk about everything, but now I cannot stay awake. My eating disorder has made me a closed up and sad person, so it is hard to make any relationship work, especially this one. I feel distant from him most of the time and I don't want to feel that way. I think it is because my eating disorder wants me only to have a relationship with it and no one else. I spend my day constantly battling myself and that comes out as anger towards Travis. Doing anthing sexual is also super difficult for me for more reasons than one, so that also makes things hard. Travis is my best friend and has never doubted me throughout our time together and throughout my struggle with food. He has been my strength to get through every day and we try so hard to make our relationship better. It is not easy when we argue a lot and do not get to spend much time together, but someday I hope that we will be even more in love than we are right now. Things are slowly getting better, but I miss the things we used to do and the way I used to feel. I miss him...

Now

This eating disorder has turned my life upside down. Here is a list of what exactly has changed.

I used to have friends... now I rather be alone.

I never knew or paid attention to what others were eating... now I know what everyone is eating and how many calories they have eaten.

I used to smile all the time... now I am usually angry.

I was a carefree person... now I am stressed and worried constantly.

I used to enjoy doing a lot of things... now I do not enjoy doing anything.

I never once read a food label... now that is all I do.

I never used to run out of energy... now I want to sleep all the time.

My favorite pop used to be Dr. Pepper... now it is anything with zero calories.

I used to be able to eat in groups... now it scares me.

My favorite food was ice cream... now it is cereal and fruit.

I used to hate to exercise... now it is something I have to do.

I never used to care how many calories were in anything... now I know how many calories are in everything.

I used to be happy... now I am just sad.

When I went to restaurants I used to order what I was hungry for... now I order what is the "healthiest".

I used to like to cook... now I love to cook, but will not eat anything I make.

I used to have a plan for my life... now I am very confused.

The only time I thought about food was when I was hungry... now I think about food all the time.

I used to be able to take compliments... now anything anyone says means I am fat.

I used to have control of my emotions... now I have mood swings every few minutes.

My finger nails used to grow quickly... now they peel and break off.

I used to be happy with my body... now all I want to do is be skinny.

I never cared about what others thought... now I only care about what others think.

I used to never get sick... now I am sick all the time.

I used to live eating disorder free... now I fight to live every day with this eating disorder.

The Truth

Sorry that I have not updated in a while. I have been super busy with school, homework, horses, and work. Things have been crazy and my eating disorder has sure been working in high gear.

Friday's are my days at the doctor. I had appointments today with my therapist, L, and my new dietician, who I will call R. L has had me do some thinking about how I think and I have been analyzing my thoughts. It is scary sometimes, but it is eye-opening also. For so long I have just thought a certain way and not thought about it. I never have thought about why I do not eat anything, I just do it. My ED is scary to pick apart and sort through. I have also been in touch with a weird part of me. A part of my mind where I rather not go to. I am digging up anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, loneliness, and many other emotions I did not know I had. L suggested that I start a journal so I have a place to get down my feeling on paper. I hope this helps. I wrote a poem tonight to express some of my emotions that seemed to be hiding. Let me know what you think of it. Enjoy.

The Truth

The truth is
I hate you.
Inside and out and
everything you do.

The truth is
I am mad.
At you and me.
How did it get so bad?

The truth is
I miss the fun
And our time together.
But you chose to run.

The truth is
I have more to say
But you left this.
And I had to stay.

The truth is
I do not want to let go.
I am too stubborn.
You should know.

The truth is
I know where you are.
I will come for you.
Even if you are afar.

The truth is
I just want to cry.
These tears are caused
by how you can tell a lie.

The truth is
You should suffer.
Like I do every day.
It makes me tougher.

The truth is
You cannot do this forever.
I will be free someday.
But you will never.

What is Yours?

I have learned this past week that I have to do what I want with my life. I have to stop listening to everyone around me, and listen to me. I am the most important person in my life. I do not mean for this to sound conceded at all, because I will always put others before me. That is who I am. I mean that if I am not happy, I cannot make anyone else happy. For so long, I ignored myself and my needs. I focused on everyone around me and what they needed. I dropped everything to do things for people and never did anything for myself. I also focused on my eating disorder and being skinny. That is all I cared about and I could not do anything else, including my job, my homework, sleep, and just being who I am. This past week I have spent a lot of time with horses because this semester I have a class where I train and take care of a horse until May. Normally, I would not spend much time with horses when I am at school because my horses are at home and I am an RA. I have lost interest in horses the past few years because my focus and love has become my eating disorder. I felt separated from horses and did not want to spend time with them, until I started this new class. This class has forced me to be at the barn and be around horses. I have realized that I still love horses and they are a part of who I am. I am not me without horses. My eating disorder seemed to hide that. I have worked very hard this week feeding horses, cleaning stalls, and training my horse. I have been close to fainting at times because I do not eat enough to sustain myself. I also have been very tired, my whole body hurts, and I have blisters on my hands and feet, but it has been the best week I have had in a long time. When I am with horses, my ED seems to run and hide. I do not think about food or how fat I am. I just live in the moment with those horses. I cannot even express to you all how horses have helped me find me. I know now that I need horses in my life and I will never be without them again. Horses help me fight my ED and be more confident in myself, which I need right now. I have zero self confidence and horses are the one thing I am good at. I struggle with homework and studying. I struggle when I take tests. I have a hard time being social. I have a hard time eating. I struggle when I have to make friends. I struggle with so much, but never with horses. I understand them. I get it. I know what they are going to do before they do it. It is awesome. I hope that everyone has this in their life… the one thing that keeps you sane. The one thing that you live for. Mine is horses. What is yours?

Is that my ED talking?

So, my therapist, L, gave me some “homework”. She wants me to write down every time I feel my ED thoughts take over. Well, that is like 24-7, so I guess I will just have to keep a journal with me. She wants me to bring them back to her, so we can go over them together. Then she will be able to maybe explain them to me and give me the tools to fight them. This makes sense in my head, but I am having a hard time figuring out what my ED thoughts are and what my rational thoughts are. Do I want to work out or is my ED telling me to do it? Do I want to eat just fruits and veggies or is my ED telling me I have to? Do I really look fat or is my ED altering my vision? It is harder to sort out my thoughts than I thought it would be.

It is not only my thoughts though, it is also my feelings. A lot of the time I “feel fat”. I feel this way after I eat or if I do not work out. I know this feeling is my ED, but are my other feelings my ED too? I get angry a lot and frustrated, so is that my ED? I also get sad and cry a lot. Is that my ED too? It is hard to distinguish between the two. I love to feel hungry also. I love to feel like I have not eaten enough because it means I must be losing weight. I’m sure that is also my ED.

I look in the mirror constantly. It doesn’t even have to be a mirror. It could be a window or a computer screen. I try to get a look at myself anytime I can. This must also be my ED. I compare myself to my own perfect vision, but I also compare myself to everyone around me as much as possible. I walk around wondering if I look as skinny as she does or if I am eating less than her. That is defiantly my ED. Sometimes I get thoughts that I should eat a lot and not stop because I would feel better. But I do not feel better. I feel like the worst person in the world and then I am told to work out like crazy and starve for the next two weeks. My ED? I think so…

What thoughts are my own then? If all these thoughts that consume my entire day are my ED taking over, then where are my rational thoughts? They must be there somewhere. I guess I have to search for them. I have a piece of paper with two columns. One says ED Thoughts at the top and the other says My Thoughts. The ED side is almost full and my side has nothing. I think that must be some sort of sign…right? A sign that I have no idea what I want or need? I don’t know. I am just confused.