Chances Are

I need help, but I don't know where to go or who to ask. I keep going through life this way with the idea that "it's not that bad", but is it?

I don't deserve help. I'm fine. I can just keep going.... right?

What if I die from this? I don't want to, but I could. I'm scared.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.

I'm just the crazy girl with the eating disorder.

I wish I was more. I try to be more than what I have turned into.

I'm sick tonight. My stomach hurts so bad I could cry.

I won't sleep. Sleep is a rare occurrence these days.

I'll just lay here praying for sleep and hoping morning comes quickly.

Sometimes I fight it, but I'll give in tonight chances are...

Peace (but not the sign)

I just want some peace here. Peace and quiet.
Peace in my own head and peace around me.

I want to be peaceful. The adjective.
I want to make peace. The verb.
And I want peace. The noun.

Peaceful like the early morning dew on each blade of grass.
Peace like the forgiving hug between a husband and wife.
Peace like the stillness of a deer deep in the woods.

Peace. I want it. In whichever form it chooses to come in.

Rainy Day Feeling

I miss you tonight.
It's like that rainy day type feeling.
You don't deserve to be missed.
But I miss you anyways.
I need a hug and no one is here.
I need someone to say that things will be okay.
You always did that.
But now your doing that for someone else.
I loved you and you threw it all away.
You idiot.
It hurts. You hurt me.
Time for me to move on.
Move on with my life.
My life.
Not our lives. Not our dreams. Not our goals.
Just me now.
It used to be simple.
We loved eachother.
It's not so simple anymore. Is it?

Sheep and Sleep

All I want right now is to be able to sleep.

That's all.
No.
Big.
Freaking.
Deal.

:/

Oh yea, and that counting sheep thing? A load of bull shit...

To eat or not to eat?

To eat or not to eat? That is the question. The question I struggle with every second of every day. It is draining...

If I eat, I will feel guilty and starve myself the rest of the day. If I don't eat, I will feel great about myself and be happier.

If I eat, I will be less hungry and have more energy. If I don't eat, I will be sick, tired, and weak.

If I eat, I will hate myself and feel like crying. If I don't eat, I will look in the mirror and like myself a little bit more.

If I eat, my body will get the nutrients it needs to stay alive. If I don't eat, I will eventually die.

If I eat, I will be so upset and angry with myself for having no self control. If I don't eat, I will take pride in how strong I am for resisting the hunger.

If I eat, I will gain weight. If I don't eat, I will lose weight.

If I eat, I will be fat. If I don't eat, I will be thin.

Thin.

Hungry

I. Am. Sad.

Very sad.

I feel like I'm sinking.

I want to sleep.

Why don't I have any friends?

Why doesn't anyone call me?

No one wants me.

Am I that fat and ugly?

I must be.

Too bad, because I am hungry.

But not hungry enough to eat.

When will this be over?

Can I be done?

I just want to cry.

I wish I could.

Must. Hold. It. Together.

Plain and Simple

Sometimes I am just not okay and I wish people understood that.