4 years ago
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Life is full of many decisions. Some are small and some aren't so small. We all face decisions every day. I have a few major decisions coming up in my life. I need to decide my plan for next year. This year I am an RA at my school. I have many duties and responsibilities. I am very busy all the time. I love the job and the people that I work with, but I don't know if I can do it next year. I have had a hard time this year juggling everything. My recovery is something that gets pushed back when my RA duties come up, which is a lot of the time. I want to focus on recovery and get my life back, but I also do not want to give up this opportunity to be an RA again. If I were not an RA, I would probably live at home and commute back and forth to school. Do I want to live at home? I love being home and right now when I feel sad and lonely, I need to be there. On the other hand, I like being on my own and having that freedom. BUT that freedom is not something that is good for me right now. When I am at school it is very easy to skip meals and not eat much. Maybe being at home would put me on the right track and allow me to concentrate on getting better? I don't know what to think. My boyfriend lives at school also. If I decided to live at home next year, I would see him a lot less. I do not want that, but I know he would understand. I am confused and I hope with some time this decision will come to me.
Not to totally change the subject, but I was just thinking about my wedding and what I want it to be like. Every woman has their dream wedding planned out in their head, including the dress, the location, the reception, and the flowers. So much thought and planning goes into this. Out of every single thing to think about and plan, I worry about one thing the most... the food, particularly the cake. I do not worry about what food will be served or what kind of cake to have. I worry about eating it. I worry that I will never be able to enjoy my wedding cake with my new husband. I worry that I will miss that wonderful moment. You know that picture of the bride and the groom feeding each other cake? I fear that I will never have that picture. I want that picture. I want more than anything to enjoy that moment and not worry about how many fat grams or calories are in the piece of cake. I want that more than anything.
Not to totally change the subject, but I was just thinking about my wedding and what I want it to be like. Every woman has their dream wedding planned out in their head, including the dress, the location, the reception, and the flowers. So much thought and planning goes into this. Out of every single thing to think about and plan, I worry about one thing the most... the food, particularly the cake. I do not worry about what food will be served or what kind of cake to have. I worry about eating it. I worry that I will never be able to enjoy my wedding cake with my new husband. I worry that I will miss that wonderful moment. You know that picture of the bride and the groom feeding each other cake? I fear that I will never have that picture. I want that picture. I want more than anything to enjoy that moment and not worry about how many fat grams or calories are in the piece of cake. I want that more than anything.
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3 comments:
I think a major step to recovery is being able to eat in public. I haven't made it there in it's entirety - I can eat with my family, but not with anyone else.
Remember, take baby steps. :) I'm sure you'll get there. Have faith and keep on pushing, and soon enough that wedding cake will be the most wonderful thing you've ever eaten :)
Would it be an option for you to live away from home while not being an RA? That way you could have independence without having the extra burden of RA duties. Whatever you choose I hope your new treatment team can help you with the decisions and with being able to eat in public (which, as you know, I also find so rough).
Maeve- Yes, that is an option I have. I would like to live off campus, but cannot afford it right now. Another option is to live in the dorms and not be an RA. I will be a senior though and rather not live in the dorms since most of the dorms are underclassman. If I do not want to live at home, the dorms are really my only option. I'm not sure what to do.
Shae Adele- I hope so! :) I really want that for myself. I hope one day you can eat in public as well. It is a big step!
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