3 years ago
Monday, January 11, 2010
All I want to do is be skinny. That's it. That is all I can think about. That is all I can focus on. It is so frustrating. I look in the mirror and hate my body and want it to be different. No matter how much I exercise and how little I eat, I cannot change the way I look. I constantly see the same thing when I look in the mirror. I notice it the most when I get up in the morning. I go to bed starving and expect to look skinner in the morning, but nothing changes. I am constantly counting calories and grams of fat in my head to try to say under a specific amount. But I do not lose any weight.
I always compare myself to everyone around me. Everyone else is skinner, has probably eaten less than me, and exercised more than me. I feel gross and overweight. A skinny pretty girl walks by and I want to be like her. How does she stay so thin? Maybe she doesn't eat? Yea, she doesn't eat. That means I can't eat either, so I can look more like her. I have to be strong and ignore my hunger. I rather be skinny than eat food. I much rather lose weight than have a cookie. I just want to be skinny....
I always compare myself to everyone around me. Everyone else is skinner, has probably eaten less than me, and exercised more than me. I feel gross and overweight. A skinny pretty girl walks by and I want to be like her. How does she stay so thin? Maybe she doesn't eat? Yea, she doesn't eat. That means I can't eat either, so I can look more like her. I have to be strong and ignore my hunger. I rather be skinny than eat food. I much rather lose weight than have a cookie. I just want to be skinny....
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3 comments:
At the risk of sounding like a really hokey therapist: why do you want to be skinny? What do you think would change in your life if you were? I know these are very cliché questions, but it probably wouldn't hurt for you to have a sense of why you want what you do.
Of course everyone wants different things with their bodies: straight hair, curly hair, smaller nose, bigger boobs, to be taller or shorter, or have more curves, or less curves, and so on and so forth ad nauseam. Apart from the emotional stress this can cause, it's generally okay to want something. But as you know, when it causes emotional stress or leads you to doing physical damage to get what you want, that's not so healthy.
I know you know all these things, and I also know that just yesterday you were blogging about wanting recovery. It's okay to have days that aren't "pro recovery" days, but never forget that you're a fantastic person just the way you are!!
I do know all of these things, but some days I just can't seem to get these "skinny" thoughts out of my head. They seem to take over everything. I don't eat and get so down. I do understand what you are saying though. Thank you.
I'm so sure you've heard this a million times, but being skinny isn't everything. Think about what you miss when you starve.
For instance, I missed out on seeing one of my best friends because I couldn't go out to eat for fear of eating in public. I've avoided dates and movies and dinners for fear of people looking at me eat.
Does your boyfriend love you less if you skip a meal? He doesn't. He loves you for you. :)
Think about your health and what you'll be doing to your body in the long run.
I totally know how difficult it is to recover. Trust me- I'm finally going in the right direction after battling for a third of my life. Happiness will not ever come from a smaller size, because even a 00 will still be too big. ED's are cyclical, as you know. Some days are wayyy worse than others, and I believe that once you have an ED you'll never be fully recovered. You'll always have bad days. You just have to stay strong and know that one day it'll work out for the better- someday you'll beat this disease. You just can't give up! :)
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