Is that my ED talking?

So, my therapist, L, gave me some “homework”. She wants me to write down every time I feel my ED thoughts take over. Well, that is like 24-7, so I guess I will just have to keep a journal with me. She wants me to bring them back to her, so we can go over them together. Then she will be able to maybe explain them to me and give me the tools to fight them. This makes sense in my head, but I am having a hard time figuring out what my ED thoughts are and what my rational thoughts are. Do I want to work out or is my ED telling me to do it? Do I want to eat just fruits and veggies or is my ED telling me I have to? Do I really look fat or is my ED altering my vision? It is harder to sort out my thoughts than I thought it would be.

It is not only my thoughts though, it is also my feelings. A lot of the time I “feel fat”. I feel this way after I eat or if I do not work out. I know this feeling is my ED, but are my other feelings my ED too? I get angry a lot and frustrated, so is that my ED? I also get sad and cry a lot. Is that my ED too? It is hard to distinguish between the two. I love to feel hungry also. I love to feel like I have not eaten enough because it means I must be losing weight. I’m sure that is also my ED.

I look in the mirror constantly. It doesn’t even have to be a mirror. It could be a window or a computer screen. I try to get a look at myself anytime I can. This must also be my ED. I compare myself to my own perfect vision, but I also compare myself to everyone around me as much as possible. I walk around wondering if I look as skinny as she does or if I am eating less than her. That is defiantly my ED. Sometimes I get thoughts that I should eat a lot and not stop because I would feel better. But I do not feel better. I feel like the worst person in the world and then I am told to work out like crazy and starve for the next two weeks. My ED? I think so…

What thoughts are my own then? If all these thoughts that consume my entire day are my ED taking over, then where are my rational thoughts? They must be there somewhere. I guess I have to search for them. I have a piece of paper with two columns. One says ED Thoughts at the top and the other says My Thoughts. The ED side is almost full and my side has nothing. I think that must be some sort of sign…right? A sign that I have no idea what I want or need? I don’t know. I am just confused.