What is Yours?

I have learned this past week that I have to do what I want with my life. I have to stop listening to everyone around me, and listen to me. I am the most important person in my life. I do not mean for this to sound conceded at all, because I will always put others before me. That is who I am. I mean that if I am not happy, I cannot make anyone else happy. For so long, I ignored myself and my needs. I focused on everyone around me and what they needed. I dropped everything to do things for people and never did anything for myself. I also focused on my eating disorder and being skinny. That is all I cared about and I could not do anything else, including my job, my homework, sleep, and just being who I am. This past week I have spent a lot of time with horses because this semester I have a class where I train and take care of a horse until May. Normally, I would not spend much time with horses when I am at school because my horses are at home and I am an RA. I have lost interest in horses the past few years because my focus and love has become my eating disorder. I felt separated from horses and did not want to spend time with them, until I started this new class. This class has forced me to be at the barn and be around horses. I have realized that I still love horses and they are a part of who I am. I am not me without horses. My eating disorder seemed to hide that. I have worked very hard this week feeding horses, cleaning stalls, and training my horse. I have been close to fainting at times because I do not eat enough to sustain myself. I also have been very tired, my whole body hurts, and I have blisters on my hands and feet, but it has been the best week I have had in a long time. When I am with horses, my ED seems to run and hide. I do not think about food or how fat I am. I just live in the moment with those horses. I cannot even express to you all how horses have helped me find me. I know now that I need horses in my life and I will never be without them again. Horses help me fight my ED and be more confident in myself, which I need right now. I have zero self confidence and horses are the one thing I am good at. I struggle with homework and studying. I struggle when I take tests. I have a hard time being social. I have a hard time eating. I struggle when I have to make friends. I struggle with so much, but never with horses. I understand them. I get it. I know what they are going to do before they do it. It is awesome. I hope that everyone has this in their life… the one thing that keeps you sane. The one thing that you live for. Mine is horses. What is yours?