A New Year

As I sit here and drink my Diet Coke, I remember when I used to drink regular soda. My favorite was Dr. Pepper. I can't have Dr. Pepper anymore because I can't drink anything that contains calories. When I see people around me drinking regular soda, juice, or milk I wonder why. Why would you want to add more calories to what you are already eating? This is what the voice inside my head tells me. It tells me I am overweight and ugly. It tells me that constantly, so I see that when I look in the mirror. This voice is like another person that takes over my mind. It makes me angry and mad at the world. Sometimes it says that it is okay to eat, but only if no one sees. It tells me to go to the kitchen when no one is around and eat "forbidden" foods because that will make me feel better. Then afterwards, it tells me that I am a horrible person for eating and that I should never eat again. This voice is my eating disorder.

I am very close to my eating disorder and it is one of my closest friends. It tells me I am a great person if I eat nothing or very little. And it tells me if I am skinny, other people will like me and want to be my friend. It also tells me I will be sick if I eat nothing, but that is okay because I need to be skinny. My eating disorder has become a huge part of my life. Every where I go, it is there. Everything I do, it is doing it with me. Everyone I talk to, it is talking right along with me. It is always there and I can never escape it. I may get frustrated at work, but at the end of the day I can walk away and cool off. I can never walk away from my eating disorder and most of the time I feel trapped. It is hard to keep fighting sometimes and I just want to give up, but I know that I can't. I won't. Tomorrow I begin a new start with a new team of doctors. I hate going to the doctor. They pick at my mind and ask me questions that make me mad. This is my second time trying to get help and hopefully this new year will bring me hope and relief.