Taking a Step

My alarm went off this morning and I immediately felt nervous. I got dressed with caution because I wanted to look as thin as possible. Should I wear my skinny jeans? Would that help? Why not. I slipped my skinny jeans on while trying to decide how to fix my hair. If I pulled it back, would it make my face look skinner? Maybe, so I pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail. After I redid it about five times, I decided that I did not have time to make it perfect today. I did my makeup with the same attitude and decided I could not make myself look any better. Frustrated, I grabbed my coat and purse, but I could not head out the door without looking in the mirror at least ten times.

I walked into the building wondering why I was there. I did not even have a problem. There were many other people that needed to be there more than me. I wondered why this time would be any different. As I entered the waiting room, I scanned the people around me. Was I the skinniest? I was not and I felt overweight and gross. My stomach rumbled from hunger, but that did not matter. My friend, my eating disorder, kept telling me that it was a good thing to feel hungry. It kept telling me how in control I was and how much skinner I would be if I was always hungry. I was battling with my friend when my name was called. I stood up and walked away from my mom to take another step towards recovery.

As the doctor sat across from me in her small white chair, I could not help but judge her. I have always believed in not judging a person, but with my past experiences, I couldn't help it. Should I trust her? She seemed trustworthy and sincere, but I have talked to others who were not. Should I believe what she was telling me? I wanted to. I wanted to very badly. Did she really want to help me or was she just there for the paycheck? When I saw her eyes fill with tears as I told my story, I knew. I knew that she was there listening to me because she wanted to help. She wanted to help me feel better and she understood. So many people do not understand and it felt good to know that she understood. I walked from that office today with a feeling of hope. Hope that some day I will be okay. Some day I want to feel happy, I want to enjoy life, and I want to be confident in myself, so this is what I have to do... even though it is going to hurt.