4 years ago
Friday, March 19, 2010
I have heard and read that eating disorders are not about food, but today at my weekly appointments is when it hit me. My dietitian, R, talked to me today about how in any eating disorder it is about repressing feelings that you do not want to deal with. In my case, I restrict what I eat to repress and bury my feelings that I don't want to deal with. She said it was my way to numb those feelings. I really thought about this today for some reason and it made sense to me for the first time.
I have had bad things happen to me, as everyone does throughout life, and I have a hard time expressing how I feel about it. I try to move on and hide my emotions, but that is not what I should do. Lately, I have been restricting to numb that pain. When I have hard days, right away I want to starve myself. It seems so automatic now. I am afraid that if I stop restricting I will have to deal with these horrible feelings that are haunting me. I am afraid that some day when I don't rely so heavily on my eating disorder, I will have to deal with the pain. I am scared. I am scared to see and feel what will be left when my eating disorder is gone.
I have had bad things happen to me, as everyone does throughout life, and I have a hard time expressing how I feel about it. I try to move on and hide my emotions, but that is not what I should do. Lately, I have been restricting to numb that pain. When I have hard days, right away I want to starve myself. It seems so automatic now. I am afraid that if I stop restricting I will have to deal with these horrible feelings that are haunting me. I am afraid that some day when I don't rely so heavily on my eating disorder, I will have to deal with the pain. I am scared. I am scared to see and feel what will be left when my eating disorder is gone.
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3 comments:
I am going through the same thing. It's so hard once you hit recovery; you don't want to face the feelings. A lot of times I didn't even know that I had them.
But it's all a journey, and it's worth it, I think.
You're in my prayers! Good luck! :)
Yep I agree. I never thought it was about the feelings. I thougth I was I just fine, I just didn't know how to eat. I used food, a huge amount to cover them up. When that didn't work I went to not eating to cover them up. When they hit it was like a hitting a brick wall. That's why you need help getting better so you don't run into full out face first.
Good luck.
Thank you both for your support!
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