4 years ago
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It is the middle of the night and I am having bingeing thoughts. With EDNOS, I get thoughts of restriction (Anorexia) and thoughts of bingeing (Bulimia). Since my ED is basically yelling at me right now, I thought I would write and get these bad thoughts out...
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I never really told how my ED began or how I actually got into treatment, so I thought I would write about it today.
I have been asked many times when my ED started and I do not really know. I have heard others say they can remember it as early as six years old, but I can never recall having ED thoughts that early. I do remember it in high school though and wanting to look like the "popular" girls. I hate the word "popular", but that is what they were. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to have a boyfriend. I never acted on these thoughts though, but I do remember being a perfectionist. My hair had to always be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. So I don't remember ED thoughts, but I do remember my personality traits that are connected to my ED.
Something horrible happened to me when I was seventeen. After that happened, I became depressed and did not eat much. I remember skipping meals often and trying to avoid eating. I worked nights at this time and went to work around 4pm. This allowed me to be gone when my family ate dinner. My mom would save me a plate to heat up when I go home, but I would just pretend to eat it. I actually threw the food in the trash. I also remember people telling me I looked great because I had lost some weight. That made me feel great and kept my ED alive. These are some the starting memories I had of my ED.
I am twenty one now and I started treatment last year. My family and my boyfriend sat me down and talked to me. They were so worried about me because I became so unstable emotionally and physically. I felt weak, had chest pain constantly, was always tired, and was fainting, so I understood that they were worried, but I did not want to go to treatment. Even today I hate to go. I was angry at my family for saying all this, but I knew it had to be done.
I called and went in for my evaluation appointment. Here, I filled out a lot of paperwork and got checked by doctors. They took blood, looked at my heart, took my hight and weight and so much more that I do not fully remember. I don't remember a lot from that time. Then they told me that I had what was called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. EDNOS is a mixture of Anorexia and Bulimia and it is just as severe. I had no idea what that was, so I was even more scared and confused. I remember coming out and crying in my boyfriend's arms. I was so scared. I hated every second of it, but I did it. The first step is always the hardest.
I have been asked many times when my ED started and I do not really know. I have heard others say they can remember it as early as six years old, but I can never recall having ED thoughts that early. I do remember it in high school though and wanting to look like the "popular" girls. I hate the word "popular", but that is what they were. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to have a boyfriend. I never acted on these thoughts though, but I do remember being a perfectionist. My hair had to always be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. So I don't remember ED thoughts, but I do remember my personality traits that are connected to my ED.
Something horrible happened to me when I was seventeen. After that happened, I became depressed and did not eat much. I remember skipping meals often and trying to avoid eating. I worked nights at this time and went to work around 4pm. This allowed me to be gone when my family ate dinner. My mom would save me a plate to heat up when I go home, but I would just pretend to eat it. I actually threw the food in the trash. I also remember people telling me I looked great because I had lost some weight. That made me feel great and kept my ED alive. These are some the starting memories I had of my ED.
I am twenty one now and I started treatment last year. My family and my boyfriend sat me down and talked to me. They were so worried about me because I became so unstable emotionally and physically. I felt weak, had chest pain constantly, was always tired, and was fainting, so I understood that they were worried, but I did not want to go to treatment. Even today I hate to go. I was angry at my family for saying all this, but I knew it had to be done.
I called and went in for my evaluation appointment. Here, I filled out a lot of paperwork and got checked by doctors. They took blood, looked at my heart, took my hight and weight and so much more that I do not fully remember. I don't remember a lot from that time. Then they told me that I had what was called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. EDNOS is a mixture of Anorexia and Bulimia and it is just as severe. I had no idea what that was, so I was even more scared and confused. I remember coming out and crying in my boyfriend's arms. I was so scared. I hated every second of it, but I did it. The first step is always the hardest.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It is time to say goodbye to seven wonderful ladies. I have spent only a short time with them, but have gotten to know all of them so well. We started off as strangers, but that grew into much much more...
Our time together this year is ending, but the memories will last forever. I will never forget these ladies and the time we have spent together. There was never a dull moment with this group of women. They have helped me grow as a person and as a friend. They all have a special place in my heart...
I love you Megan, Katie, Phoua, Brittany, Michelle, Kyra, and Bhao.
Our time together this year is ending, but the memories will last forever. I will never forget these ladies and the time we have spent together. There was never a dull moment with this group of women. They have helped me grow as a person and as a friend. They all have a special place in my heart...
I love you Megan, Katie, Phoua, Brittany, Michelle, Kyra, and Bhao.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Last week at my appointments, I got a very specific meal plan. This is the first time I have done this at my new ED clinic. At my last clinic, I had one but honestly I never really followed it. I am determined now to follow this one and get my life on track.
I started this on Monday and ever since I started it, I feel a sudden urge to stop eating. It just seems easier to not eat. It is annoying to plan out what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I rather just stop eating all together, but I know that would be giving in. I need to stay in control right now. It just is so hard sometimes to keep going when I have these ED thoughts trying to take over. I feel like I'm eating wayyyy too much and I also feel the need to go exercise after each meal. It is all ED thoughts, but they will not go away! It is frustrating.
I sit down every night before I go to bed and plan everything out for the next day. I plan what times I am going to eat meals and snacks. I also put my snacks in my bag the night before, so I have them. I tend to make up excuses as to why I can't eat, so having the food already with me helps. I hope one day I don't have to plan like this and I can have my freedom back.
It's 10AM and time for my snack. Snacks give me mixed feelings...
I started this on Monday and ever since I started it, I feel a sudden urge to stop eating. It just seems easier to not eat. It is annoying to plan out what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I rather just stop eating all together, but I know that would be giving in. I need to stay in control right now. It just is so hard sometimes to keep going when I have these ED thoughts trying to take over. I feel like I'm eating wayyyy too much and I also feel the need to go exercise after each meal. It is all ED thoughts, but they will not go away! It is frustrating.
I sit down every night before I go to bed and plan everything out for the next day. I plan what times I am going to eat meals and snacks. I also put my snacks in my bag the night before, so I have them. I tend to make up excuses as to why I can't eat, so having the food already with me helps. I hope one day I don't have to plan like this and I can have my freedom back.
It's 10AM and time for my snack. Snacks give me mixed feelings...
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