Paris ici que je viens!

Dreams. Everyone has them, whether you want to marry your high school sweetheart, fly to the moon, or run a marathon, we all have them. My dreams were put aside to make room for my eating disorder. I have been so focused on food and eating that I forgot all about me and what I want out of this crazy thing called life. My ED makes me so focused on what everyone else thinks and what everyone wants me to do. My ED makes me think I am being judged constantly. It even talks me into believing that my dreams are dumb and out of reach.

Today, I met with an old friend. She was my favorite high school teacher and we also traveled over seas together. We traveled to Latvia, Poland, and Lithuania. I have not seen her in four years and we met at Caribou for coffee today. What could be better than good conversation and a good latte? Not much. My ED told me many times to cancel on her and to make up an excuse not to go, but I fought it all the way and went because I wanted to. I was not going to let my ED take over today. It ended up being great and she is going to help me fulfill one of my dreams! She asked me to go back to Latvia with her next summer and then go to PARIS! Wow! I have always wanted to experience Paris and now I can. I cannot wait.

If I would have listened to my ED today and not went to meet my friend, my dream of going to Paris would most likely never have happened. As I sit in my bed tonight, I am proud I went today and stood up against my ED. It is hard and most days I do not want to do it, but I know that if I want to do anything in life or be happy, I have to. Every day my ED tells me that my dreams and my goals are dumb and unattainable, but I know anything is possible. That was proven to me today, so I better start brushing up on my French.... I'll start with the title of this post :)

New Start

I gave my blog a new title and am kind of restarting. The title, Dear ED, I Hate You, is the beginning to a letter I hope to write to my eating disorder someday saying goodbye. When I finish treatment, I hope to be able to finish that letter. This blog will be about my hard times and good times along the way.

I guess I will maybe tell everyone a little about me. I am a 21 year old college student. I live at home with my parents. I have a job and work as much as I can to try and make ends meet. I am in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He is my rock. I love horses and being outdoors. I also love coffee, Cherry Coke Zero, and cereal. Mini Wheats are pretty much heaven in a bowl :)

I have been struggling with my eating disorder, but have been working hard to try and keep fighting. For those of you who do not know, I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) a couple of years ago. I am going to a new treatment center closer to home starting in a couple weeks. This will be my third time switching, but finding the right fit takes time. It will be a new adventure for me. I hope it works out and is what I need. I also would like to try group therapy. I have trouble building relationships because of my eating disorder and have trouble in social situations, so a group would help me. It freaks me out, but I want to give it a try.

I hope to some day write a book about my eating disorder (ED) and my recovery. I wonder if people would actually want to read it or if it would get published? All I can do is wonder for now....