Normal?

Eating disorders are so diverse, yet so similar. One person with an eating disorder is most definitely not going to have the same experience as me, but there is a lot that is the same. I strongly believe that communication is a large part in recovery from an eating disorder and sharing experiences can only help. This is my biggest problem. I hate talking about it and I will do whatever I can to avoid the subject. It is just awkward and touchy, especially if I am having a really bad day. BUT I have learned that talking is a great healer. It seems stupid that just talking about something will help, but it is true. I also thought for a long time that no one wanted to hear about my problems, but people do. People who love you care and want to help and once I realized this, my recovery has become much easier to deal with.

The other day I was telling my boyfriend that I just wanted to be normal, but what is normal? There is no norm. I was referring to normal as living without my ED. I would love to spend one day in someone’s shoes who does not struggle with an eating disorder because I do not even remember life before this. What did I think about? Did I just eat when I was hungry? What did I like to eat? What was my favorite food? Did I actually enjoy going out to eat? These are the things I wonder about. I hear people talking about how they are craving something and I wonder what that is like. I hear people talk about how they just can’t say no to their favorite food and I also wonder what that is like. I have so much self control that I could go days without eating and it's not a big deal. For the longest time, I thought that I was normal. That this eating disorder thing was normal, but it's not I guess. I still do not really believe that, but I am working on it. I still think in the back of my mind that everyone eats 500 calories a day, does not drink anything with calories, skips meals, exercises constantly, knows the nutrient facts of all foods, eats in secret, only eats food with less than 3 grams of fat, is sick every day, and feels horrible about themselves all the time. But I guess that’s just me.