I'm Alive

It has been a long freaking time since I have blogged. I apologize, but my life has been pretty crazy. School has pretty much taken over my life. I am a senior in college... what a weird feeling by the way. I better figure out what to do with my life asap.

My ED is still around. It will never go away. I have stopped treatment for now too. I originally stopped because I was working and starting school. I convinced myself that I was "too busy" to go and what a lie that was. At first, I felt like I was doing better without treatment. Now, everything is coming back again though. I can feel the ED slowly taking over and it sucks because I feel like I can't stop it.

I feel nasty and gross and fat and ugly. I know that I have gained like a gazillion pounds and I hate myself for it. I can still feel my ribs, but I can't see them at all which sucks. My clothes feel so tight and it bothers me like crazy. I cannot wear half of my clothes because they feel dangerously tight. I know I can lose the poundage though because I just won't eat. I think my ED might be brain washing me again, but at this point I have no idea. I just know that I love to feel hungry and when I eat I feel nasty and dirty. Starvation is addicting. That may sound crazy, but it is.

The other part of my ED, the bingeing/purging part, has also been lingering around. I hate bingeing. I feel so completely alone and empty, so that is why I feel the need to fill myself with food. BUT as soon as it is inside of me, I want it out! So time to exercise until I die pretty much. I just find it easier to not eat at all. No one says they are concerned with how thin I am, so that must mean I am fat. People tell me I look "good". Good? WTF? In my mind good = FAT. Do not tell me I look "good" because "good" is not really good.