This is Lonely

I'm sad tonight. I just really would like to break down and cry. I would like to get it all out, but I can't. I need to be tough and put on a happy face because that is what people expect. I am a positive happy person, but sometimes I feel like I am dying inside and losing myself to this disease. I often wonder what it would be like not to have an eating disorder. What would it be like to eat when I am hungry and to eat what tastes good to me? When I eat I get the most horrible feeling in the world. I want to feel pretty for once in my life and to feel like people like me. I have never had many friends and it is hard not to have friends. My ED has become my friend, my best friend. It pushes everyone else away when I want to build a closer relationship with people. I won't let people in. I will not open up. A couple of months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. Even after being with him for that long, I could not let him in. He tried so hard and I ran the opposite direction. I pushed away the man that I love and my closest friend for my ED. That is what I do. I get to a certain place with someone and then I put up a wall. The wall being my ED. It gets super jealous of anyone else. This is what makes it hard to be in any type of relationship. Having an ED gets pretty lonely.