What I Wish They Knew

What do I wish my family and friends could know?

I wish they could know how scared I am that I will never be okay.

I wish they could know how ashamed I am of what I put them through.

I wish they could know that I desperately need their love, even as I push them away.

I wish they could know I feel like even more of a failure if I have to ask for help.

I wish they could know that I hurt myself because I don't know how else to respond.

I wish they knew that the hardest part of this is the devestation my loved ones feel.

I wish they could know how totally embarrasing it is to me that I am like this.

I wish they could see how mean I am to myself because I don't deserve anything good.

I wish they knew how much I need to hear that they believe in me because I don't believe in myself.

I wish they could understand that this disease is stronger than me.

I wish they could hear the things my mind tells me, constant reminders that I am bad and unloveable.

I wish they could know that I feel empty inside.

I wish they could know that I love them more than anything but I am afraid to show it.

I wish they could know that I will do almost anything to avoid being vulnerable.

I wish they could understand that I feel like a freak.

I wish they could know that I lie so they don't have to know the horrible truth.

I wish they could know that I need their help to beat this, but I am afraid to ask.