Kinda Random

As I sit in this empty dorm room, I tend to think too much. I think about my life and I think about other’s lives. I think many things at once. Here are some of the things going through my head….

I have been having chest pain again. It has become more frequent lately, so that is something I worry about. I usually get it when I do not eat, but I'm thinking this time it is a combo of that and stress. Since I'm very stressed/anxious/worried right now.

A lot has happened in the past couple of years, so nothing much surprises me anymore. There is nothing that could happen that would shock me because right now I’m ready. I’m ready to deal with anything that comes my way. BRING IT ON.

Eating wise this week has been average I guess. My goal this week was to eat a sandwich with mayo on it. I haven’t done that yet, so tomorrow is the day. I actually might cry I think. It sounds stupid when I write that, but it is the truth. The last thing I want to do is add more calories and fat to my sandwich, which already has plenty of both of those. I just have to do it. No questions. Just go…..

I also have this sudden urge to step on a scale. Really bad. I haven’t stepped on one in months and I want to know that number. Why you ask? My ED tells me I need to know and it tells me that the number will tell me how I feel about myself. If it is higher than I think…. My day is ruined, I am a big, fat, ugly cow, and I will not eat. If it is lower than what I think…. I rock, I am beautiful, and I need to keep starving myself to make it stay down. It is a vicious cycle that sucks, but it is my life right now.

It sucks when a person you liked and you cared for does something horrible and stupid to hurt you. I do not get angry easily, but there are three things that piss me off more than anything – cheating on your significant other, sexual abusers, and lying. Do that and I will never forget or forgive.

Last week at my appointments they told me that they are concerned because it looks like I’m losing weight and getting close to being underweight. They currently are not weighing me every week, but now they are going to start. I don’t get it because I feel like I am eating so much more now. I also “feel fat” and “see fat” when I look in the mirror, so when I hear them say that it makes no sense to me. CrAzY…………………..

My mind is racing with this plus much more. I wish I could shut it off and relax.

A Fun Quiz

I found this quiz online and it is a good way to get to know someone. I thought it might be fun to read and it was fun for me to do. Feel free answer any of these questions in my comments. I would love to get to know you all too.

Do you have any pets? Yes, two horses and one dog
What color shirt are you wearing? Purple
Name three things that are physically close to you: My cell phone and my pink teddy bear that my boyfriend won for me.
What is the last book you read? Life Without ED, but currently I am reading Gaining – The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders
Are you or were you a good student? I was in high school and in college I would say I am average.
What's your favorite sport? To play – Golf, to watch – Football.
Do you enjoy sleeping late? Not really. Sleep is overrated.
What was the last thing you dreamed about? Going on a date with a strange guy that was not my boyfriend.
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Yes and yes. I rolled by car about two years ago. One of the scariest things of my life.
Do you believe in luck? Yes, I have been told I am a lucky person.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up? Neither. I like them hard… haha.
Are you reliable? Yes
What's your favorite food? I’m not really sure actually. It used to be ice cream I think.
Is your room messy? Absolutely not
Do you give in easily? Nope. I’m stubborn.
Are you a good guesser? Horrible.
What's your least favorite day of the week and why? Friday, because that is the day I spend at the doctor.
Would you ever go skydiving? It is one of my life goals
What toothpaste do you use? Whatever is on sale
Do you enjoy challenges? Yes
What does your last text message say? I love you and will always love you. From my boyfriend.
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to? My father
What's your favorite school subject? English
What is your dream vacation? Hawaii or Australia
What is your favorite animal? Horse…. Of course
Do you miss anyone right now? Everyone. I am very lonely.
Where were you when 9/11 happened? In my 5th grade math class
Do you have any obsessions right now? Oh gosh… probably everything.
Have you ever been to a different country? Yep... four!
Name three things in the world you dislike: Abusers, hypocrites, and going to the dentist.
Has a rumor even been spread about you? Most likely
Do you like sushi? I have never had it.
Do you believe in magic? No

Am I Strong Enough?

Am I strong enough to do this?
To fight this every day?
To overcome my fears?
Yes I am.

Am I strong enough to make it?
To make it to the end?
To make it through?
Yes I am.

Am I strong enough to stand back up?
To stand back up when I hit bottom?
To stand back up after a bad day?
Yes I am.

Am I strong enough to believe?
To believe in myself?
To believe the truth?
Yes I am.

Am I strong enough to talk?
To talk about everything?
To talk about what no one knows?
Yes I am.

Am I strong enough to choose?
To choose the right path?
To choose to live?
Yes I am.

Baby Fever?

Everyone around me seems to be having baby fever. All I hear is girls talking about how they want to have a baby so bad. I never wanted to have children until I met my boyfriend. They say you will want to have children with the right guy, and that is true for me. The only problem is that I couldn't have kids right now, even if I wanted to. I have never had a regular period and now with my ED, I never get a period. When I hear my friends around me talk about how they have cramps, they are crabby, and they just hate their period, I say nothing. I even have heard some say they wish they didn't get it. When I hear these things, I just feel sad and left out. They complain about it and I just wish I would get cramps because that would mean I am healthy and could have a baby if I wanted to. I would have the choice, but right now I don't. I just hope some day I can have that choice. When I am ready..... and married.

Normal?

Eating disorders are so diverse, yet so similar. One person with an eating disorder is most definitely not going to have the same experience as me, but there is a lot that is the same. I strongly believe that communication is a large part in recovery from an eating disorder and sharing experiences can only help. This is my biggest problem. I hate talking about it and I will do whatever I can to avoid the subject. It is just awkward and touchy, especially if I am having a really bad day. BUT I have learned that talking is a great healer. It seems stupid that just talking about something will help, but it is true. I also thought for a long time that no one wanted to hear about my problems, but people do. People who love you care and want to help and once I realized this, my recovery has become much easier to deal with.

The other day I was telling my boyfriend that I just wanted to be normal, but what is normal? There is no norm. I was referring to normal as living without my ED. I would love to spend one day in someone’s shoes who does not struggle with an eating disorder because I do not even remember life before this. What did I think about? Did I just eat when I was hungry? What did I like to eat? What was my favorite food? Did I actually enjoy going out to eat? These are the things I wonder about. I hear people talking about how they are craving something and I wonder what that is like. I hear people talk about how they just can’t say no to their favorite food and I also wonder what that is like. I have so much self control that I could go days without eating and it's not a big deal. For the longest time, I thought that I was normal. That this eating disorder thing was normal, but it's not I guess. I still do not really believe that, but I am working on it. I still think in the back of my mind that everyone eats 500 calories a day, does not drink anything with calories, skips meals, exercises constantly, knows the nutrient facts of all foods, eats in secret, only eats food with less than 3 grams of fat, is sick every day, and feels horrible about themselves all the time. But I guess that’s just me.

It's Me

Most days I do not even feel like getting out of bed in the morning.
I cry every single day and I never miss a day either.
I am a perfectionist and I can finally admit that.
I like Michael Jackson. Deal with it.
I know how many calories and fat grams are in everything you eat.
I make lists in my head.
I hate working in groups.
Music inspires me.
I could eat cereal for every meal of every day.
I have a horrible memory and lose very important things on a daily basis.
I go to bed hungry every night.
Family is very important to me.
I have not had a cheeseburger in years.
I am in love.
I paint my fingernails because they are yellow and flakey. I’m embarrassed.
Horses are my heart and soul.
I rather listen than talk.
My boyfriend makes it all okay every day.
I am a smart ass.
A pet peeve of mine is people who dish it out, but can’t take it.
I am stubborn and won’t give up.
I enjoy watching westerns and musicals.
I spend at least one day a week at doctor’s appointments.
I like to help others.
Diet Cherry Coke rocks my world.
I am always tired.
Eating with others makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Sunsets are beautiful, but sunrises are even better.
I am always freezing cold.
I try to get everything done in one day.
I think I might be a little OCD.
Sadness is an everyday thing for me.
I lay awake at night thinking about everything I need to be doing.
God is a huge part of my life, but is not everything.
Money is not important to me.
I like to work out, but can’t anymore because I have heart problems.
Some people drink soda. I drink coffee.
I have a hard time relaxing.
I constantly worry about what others think.
I battle with myself every day.
I have an eating disorder.