Goodbye 2010

I never make new year's resolutions because I think that they are dumb. No one ever follows through on them. I have decided to make a list of ten things I want to acomplish in 2011. Here ya go...


1. Graduate college. I am set to graduate December 2011, so if everything goes as planned I will be all done!
2. Run a half marathon. I am hoping to do this in May.
3. Make the Dean's list. I have never made it and I have two more semesters to try. College has been a huge struggle for me grades wise.
4. Get my own apartment. I want to move out of my parents house soooo bad.
5. Start two horses under saddle. I will do one the end of January in school and then my own horse in June.
6. Try and control my ED. I am not sure how yet, but I'm still thinking about how.
7. Get another job. I go through jobs like I go through shoes...
8. Travel. I am going to Europe in June and I'm so excited!
9. Save some money.
10. Apply to Grad school. I'm hoping to take the GRE and apply soon.

And for a little ED update... The past few days, my ED has been around. I have been restricting. A LOT. I know this is not good, but I feel that I need to. I haven't binged, so that is good. I have a feeling that it is coming though because with restricting comes a binge. I am trying my hardest not to binge though. I have been having chest pain and getting lightheaded, so I need to figure out how to eat better. Ugggg. I have a huge want to step on a scale too, but I cannot do that.

Anyways, I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year! :)

I Am

Well, it is done. We prepare for days, weeks, and months and now it is over. Over within a few hours really. Christmas is filled with family, friends, gifts, food, and laughter. We spend all this time and effort preparing and it is done... just like that. People get so wrapped up in the gifts and food and it is not even about any of that. None of that matters. It doesn't really feel like Christmas this year for me. Something is off. Maybe it is me, but something is weird. I just can't put my finger on it.

It is taking all that I have right now not to binge. These particular Christmas peanut M&M's are talking to me. And the red and green wrapped Reese's too. I just want to eat them all and then throw it all up. YUCK. I have not had one Christmas cookie this year and I am not eating sh*t food now. I think I feel the need to binge because I just have an emptiness inside this Christmas. I feel lonely and I want to fill it with something. Food seems like a logical choice right now. I have not binged in three days though, and I am not starting now. I am stronger than this. I am. I am. I am...

I Like Lists

I have so many things running through my head. I do not know where to begin, but I feel as though I should write something. I cannot organize my thoughts at all. I feel I need to say so much, but it just won't come out into words. It is all so random too, so I will make a list. I like lists...

- I feel alone.
- I want to feel good enough.
- I'm hungry.
- I think that I drink alcohol for the wrong reasons.
- I miss my job and the people there.
- Finals are done! :D
- I'm tired of being sick.
- I miss horses.
- I wish my Grandpa was here.
- I really want my parents to say they love me.
- I'm scared of dying.
- I hate winter.
- I miss my dog.
- I want to have friends.
- I feel numb a lot of the time.
- Sleeping is difficult for me.
- If I won the lottery, I would give all the money to eating disorder research.
- I wish I could go somewhere warm, just for a day.
- I drink a lot of diet pop, so I don't feel as hungry.
- I want to feel pretty.
- I wish you were here right now.
- I'm so thankful for everything I have.
- I feel like a horrible person.

Off The Wall

So I actually ate "normally" today. I had three "meals". I put meals in quotes because a meal to me is different from what a meal is to others. I think a bowl of cereal is a meal, but that probably doesn't count. I try to eat less than two meals a day, so eating three today sucked. I about to go to bed and feel a tad hungry. Usually I am STARVING when I go to bed and have trouble sleeping. Maybe tonight I will sleep better? Possible...

I did not binge today, but I did restrict (like I do all the F'ing time anyway). I hate bingeing. It is the most disgusting feeling in the world. Yuck. But restricting my food intake and starving myself leads to bingeing. And the bingeing leads to restricting. It is a deathly cycle that repeats itself every day. Bingeing is myself letting go and then restricting is punishing myself for being a horrible fat person. Restricting makes me feel tough and strong. I love the feeling of being hungry and hate the feeling of fullness. This is even confusing to me. Sorry if that was off the wall, but I'm a little off the wall sometimes.

I am in the middle of finals week and I have seven finals :O I am to say the least, stressed out and sick of studying. I am not doing well this semester. I think I might fail a class or maybe two. I have never failed in my entire life. I have been trying so hard, but I can not get good grades. I don't understand it. I just feel dumb... so I can add that to feeling fat, ugly, and not good enough. Joy.

I often ponder if there is anyone out there that reads these, so I will post a fun question so you all can comment :D What is your favorite Christmas movie? Mine is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation! So comment away!

Scary

People have told me that they are their eating disorder. I am not my eating disorder. I am so much more than that. People do not really ask me about it. I assume it is because they don't care, but maybe that is not the case? I really am not sure.

Eating disorders are a big secret. Hush hush. That is why so many of them go undiagnosed. They are something that needs to be talked about. Talked about in schools, at the workplace, and at home. People die from eating disorders. Die.

Karen Carpenter... died of heart failure due to her Anorexia
Christy Henrich... died of multiple organ failure due to her Anorexia
Ana Carolina Reston... died at age 21 from complications due to her ED
Melissa Booth... died at age 17 due to her Bulimia she had only a few months
Amy Gretner... died in her sleep at age 15 from Anorexia and Bulimia
Elisa McCall... committed suicide to try to escape her ED
Kristen Watt... died in her sleep at age 14 due to heart failure
Shelby Starner... died from a stroke due to her Bulimia
Ana Westin... died directly from her Anorexia

This is only to list a small amount of those of have died from this illness. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Scary. It is nothing to be quiet about. Silence really can kill.

Why am I not good enough?

I do not feel good enough. I never feel good enough. Ever. It is exhausting and frustrating.

I could be more thoughtful. More caring. More honest. I could do more for others. Help someone in need. Give money to a charity. I could do more.

I could get better grades. I could be a better student. I try so damn hard and I get C’s. Frustrating, but I could try harder.

I could be a better friend. Maybe if I was a better friend, someone would think I was good enough. Maybe.

I could be thinner. I could eat less or eat nothing at all, but I am not strong enough. I need to be stronger.

No matter what I do, nothing is ever good enough. Why am I not good enough?