5 years ago
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Dreams. Everyone has them, whether you want to marry your high school sweetheart, fly to the moon, or run a marathon, we all have them. My dreams were put aside to make room for my eating disorder. I have been so focused on food and eating that I forgot all about me and what I want out of this crazy thing called life. My ED makes me so focused on what everyone else thinks and what everyone wants me to do. My ED makes me think I am being judged constantly. It even talks me into believing that my dreams are dumb and out of reach. Today, I met with an old friend. She was my favorite high school teacher and we also traveled over seas together. We traveled to Latvia, Poland, and Lithuania. I have not seen her in four years and we met at Caribou for coffee today. What could be better than good conversation and a good latte? Not much. My ED told me many times to cancel on her and to make up an excuse not to go, but I fought it all the way and went because I wanted to. I was not going to let my ED take over today. It ended up being great and she is going to help me fulfill one of my dreams! She asked me to go back to Latvia with her next summer and then go to PARIS! Wow! I have always wanted to experience Paris and now I can. I cannot wait.
If I would have listened to my ED today and not went to meet my friend, my dream of going to Paris would most likely never have happened. As I sit in my bed tonight, I am proud I went today and stood up against my ED. It is hard and most days I do not want to do it, but I know that if I want to do anything in life or be happy, I have to. Every day my ED tells me that my dreams and my goals are dumb and unattainable, but I know anything is possible. That was proven to me today, so I better start brushing up on my French.... I'll start with the title of this post :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I gave my blog a new title and am kind of restarting. The title, Dear ED, I Hate You, is the beginning to a letter I hope to write to my eating disorder someday saying goodbye. When I finish treatment, I hope to be able to finish that letter. This blog will be about my hard times and good times along the way.
I guess I will maybe tell everyone a little about me. I am a 21 year old college student. I live at home with my parents. I have a job and work as much as I can to try and make ends meet. I am in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He is my rock. I love horses and being outdoors. I also love coffee, Cherry Coke Zero, and cereal. Mini Wheats are pretty much heaven in a bowl :)
I have been struggling with my eating disorder, but have been working hard to try and keep fighting. For those of you who do not know, I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) a couple of years ago. I am going to a new treatment center closer to home starting in a couple weeks. This will be my third time switching, but finding the right fit takes time. It will be a new adventure for me. I hope it works out and is what I need. I also would like to try group therapy. I have trouble building relationships because of my eating disorder and have trouble in social situations, so a group would help me. It freaks me out, but I want to give it a try.
I hope to some day write a book about my eating disorder (ED) and my recovery. I wonder if people would actually want to read it or if it would get published? All I can do is wonder for now....
I guess I will maybe tell everyone a little about me. I am a 21 year old college student. I live at home with my parents. I have a job and work as much as I can to try and make ends meet. I am in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He is my rock. I love horses and being outdoors. I also love coffee, Cherry Coke Zero, and cereal. Mini Wheats are pretty much heaven in a bowl :)
I have been struggling with my eating disorder, but have been working hard to try and keep fighting. For those of you who do not know, I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) a couple of years ago. I am going to a new treatment center closer to home starting in a couple weeks. This will be my third time switching, but finding the right fit takes time. It will be a new adventure for me. I hope it works out and is what I need. I also would like to try group therapy. I have trouble building relationships because of my eating disorder and have trouble in social situations, so a group would help me. It freaks me out, but I want to give it a try.
I hope to some day write a book about my eating disorder (ED) and my recovery. I wonder if people would actually want to read it or if it would get published? All I can do is wonder for now....
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It is the middle of the night and I am having bingeing thoughts. With EDNOS, I get thoughts of restriction (Anorexia) and thoughts of bingeing (Bulimia). Since my ED is basically yelling at me right now, I thought I would write and get these bad thoughts out...
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Bingeing is something that is confusing to me. My therapist, L, says that I have these thoughts because my body is starving and it wants more food. I understand that because right now I feel I could eat everything in the refrigerator. It is weird though because sometimes I feel like eating nothing and sometimes I want to eat everything in sight. My ED keeps telling me to go upstairs, get a bunch of food and bring it back down to my room and chow down. And it says to eat fast because the quicker it is done, the less likely I will be seen. My ED tells me I will feel better if I would give in and just eat. It doesn't mean just eat an apple though, my ED means eat pizza, cookies, candy, ice cream, pop tarts, crackers, chips, and everything else that is on my "unsafe food" list. It is like the cookie monster is chasing me with a bag of cookies yelling, "Eat the whole bag! They are so yummy! You will feel better when you do!" I am sooooo hungry too and that makes my body want to listen. I am afraid to go get something small because that will trigger a binge as well. If I do binge, I purge through exercise to get rid of the food. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about these binge thoughts.
Along with the binge thoughts, I have the want to restrict. I have the want to lose weight and be skinny even though I have no idea what I look like or what I weigh. I am not allowed to step on a scale. I hate it. I want to know that number, but I know the number does not matter. I feel in control when I starve myself and I feel good about myself. I want to be thin and I don't want to be fat anymore. If I go through my day and my stomach is growling, I feel better. I feel better about myself when I am hungry. This probably makes no sense, but it is what goes on in my crazy mixed-up head. Sometimes I just want to scream because I get so frustrated, but I know that I need to be strong and fight this. I don't have any other choice.
I know I have been talking about EDNOS lately. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any questions about it? Email me or comment if you do.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I never really told how my ED began or how I actually got into treatment, so I thought I would write about it today.
I have been asked many times when my ED started and I do not really know. I have heard others say they can remember it as early as six years old, but I can never recall having ED thoughts that early. I do remember it in high school though and wanting to look like the "popular" girls. I hate the word "popular", but that is what they were. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to have a boyfriend. I never acted on these thoughts though, but I do remember being a perfectionist. My hair had to always be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. So I don't remember ED thoughts, but I do remember my personality traits that are connected to my ED.
Something horrible happened to me when I was seventeen. After that happened, I became depressed and did not eat much. I remember skipping meals often and trying to avoid eating. I worked nights at this time and went to work around 4pm. This allowed me to be gone when my family ate dinner. My mom would save me a plate to heat up when I go home, but I would just pretend to eat it. I actually threw the food in the trash. I also remember people telling me I looked great because I had lost some weight. That made me feel great and kept my ED alive. These are some the starting memories I had of my ED.
I am twenty one now and I started treatment last year. My family and my boyfriend sat me down and talked to me. They were so worried about me because I became so unstable emotionally and physically. I felt weak, had chest pain constantly, was always tired, and was fainting, so I understood that they were worried, but I did not want to go to treatment. Even today I hate to go. I was angry at my family for saying all this, but I knew it had to be done.
I called and went in for my evaluation appointment. Here, I filled out a lot of paperwork and got checked by doctors. They took blood, looked at my heart, took my hight and weight and so much more that I do not fully remember. I don't remember a lot from that time. Then they told me that I had what was called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. EDNOS is a mixture of Anorexia and Bulimia and it is just as severe. I had no idea what that was, so I was even more scared and confused. I remember coming out and crying in my boyfriend's arms. I was so scared. I hated every second of it, but I did it. The first step is always the hardest.
I have been asked many times when my ED started and I do not really know. I have heard others say they can remember it as early as six years old, but I can never recall having ED thoughts that early. I do remember it in high school though and wanting to look like the "popular" girls. I hate the word "popular", but that is what they were. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to have a boyfriend. I never acted on these thoughts though, but I do remember being a perfectionist. My hair had to always be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. So I don't remember ED thoughts, but I do remember my personality traits that are connected to my ED.
Something horrible happened to me when I was seventeen. After that happened, I became depressed and did not eat much. I remember skipping meals often and trying to avoid eating. I worked nights at this time and went to work around 4pm. This allowed me to be gone when my family ate dinner. My mom would save me a plate to heat up when I go home, but I would just pretend to eat it. I actually threw the food in the trash. I also remember people telling me I looked great because I had lost some weight. That made me feel great and kept my ED alive. These are some the starting memories I had of my ED.
I am twenty one now and I started treatment last year. My family and my boyfriend sat me down and talked to me. They were so worried about me because I became so unstable emotionally and physically. I felt weak, had chest pain constantly, was always tired, and was fainting, so I understood that they were worried, but I did not want to go to treatment. Even today I hate to go. I was angry at my family for saying all this, but I knew it had to be done.
I called and went in for my evaluation appointment. Here, I filled out a lot of paperwork and got checked by doctors. They took blood, looked at my heart, took my hight and weight and so much more that I do not fully remember. I don't remember a lot from that time. Then they told me that I had what was called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. EDNOS is a mixture of Anorexia and Bulimia and it is just as severe. I had no idea what that was, so I was even more scared and confused. I remember coming out and crying in my boyfriend's arms. I was so scared. I hated every second of it, but I did it. The first step is always the hardest.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It is time to say goodbye to seven wonderful ladies. I have spent only a short time with them, but have gotten to know all of them so well. We started off as strangers, but that grew into much much more...
Our time together this year is ending, but the memories will last forever. I will never forget these ladies and the time we have spent together. There was never a dull moment with this group of women. They have helped me grow as a person and as a friend. They all have a special place in my heart...
I love you Megan, Katie, Phoua, Brittany, Michelle, Kyra, and Bhao.
Our time together this year is ending, but the memories will last forever. I will never forget these ladies and the time we have spent together. There was never a dull moment with this group of women. They have helped me grow as a person and as a friend. They all have a special place in my heart...
I love you Megan, Katie, Phoua, Brittany, Michelle, Kyra, and Bhao.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Last week at my appointments, I got a very specific meal plan. This is the first time I have done this at my new ED clinic. At my last clinic, I had one but honestly I never really followed it. I am determined now to follow this one and get my life on track.
I started this on Monday and ever since I started it, I feel a sudden urge to stop eating. It just seems easier to not eat. It is annoying to plan out what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I rather just stop eating all together, but I know that would be giving in. I need to stay in control right now. It just is so hard sometimes to keep going when I have these ED thoughts trying to take over. I feel like I'm eating wayyyy too much and I also feel the need to go exercise after each meal. It is all ED thoughts, but they will not go away! It is frustrating.
I sit down every night before I go to bed and plan everything out for the next day. I plan what times I am going to eat meals and snacks. I also put my snacks in my bag the night before, so I have them. I tend to make up excuses as to why I can't eat, so having the food already with me helps. I hope one day I don't have to plan like this and I can have my freedom back.
It's 10AM and time for my snack. Snacks give me mixed feelings...
I started this on Monday and ever since I started it, I feel a sudden urge to stop eating. It just seems easier to not eat. It is annoying to plan out what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. I rather just stop eating all together, but I know that would be giving in. I need to stay in control right now. It just is so hard sometimes to keep going when I have these ED thoughts trying to take over. I feel like I'm eating wayyyy too much and I also feel the need to go exercise after each meal. It is all ED thoughts, but they will not go away! It is frustrating.
I sit down every night before I go to bed and plan everything out for the next day. I plan what times I am going to eat meals and snacks. I also put my snacks in my bag the night before, so I have them. I tend to make up excuses as to why I can't eat, so having the food already with me helps. I hope one day I don't have to plan like this and I can have my freedom back.
It's 10AM and time for my snack. Snacks give me mixed feelings...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
As I sit in this empty dorm room, I tend to think too much. I think about my life and I think about other’s lives. I think many things at once. Here are some of the things going through my head….
I have been having chest pain again. It has become more frequent lately, so that is something I worry about. I usually get it when I do not eat, but I'm thinking this time it is a combo of that and stress. Since I'm very stressed/anxious/worried right now.
A lot has happened in the past couple of years, so nothing much surprises me anymore. There is nothing that could happen that would shock me because right now I’m ready. I’m ready to deal with anything that comes my way. BRING IT ON.
Eating wise this week has been average I guess. My goal this week was to eat a sandwich with mayo on it. I haven’t done that yet, so tomorrow is the day. I actually might cry I think. It sounds stupid when I write that, but it is the truth. The last thing I want to do is add more calories and fat to my sandwich, which already has plenty of both of those. I just have to do it. No questions. Just go…..
I also have this sudden urge to step on a scale. Really bad. I haven’t stepped on one in months and I want to know that number. Why you ask? My ED tells me I need to know and it tells me that the number will tell me how I feel about myself. If it is higher than I think…. My day is ruined, I am a big, fat, ugly cow, and I will not eat. If it is lower than what I think…. I rock, I am beautiful, and I need to keep starving myself to make it stay down. It is a vicious cycle that sucks, but it is my life right now.
It sucks when a person you liked and you cared for does something horrible and stupid to hurt you. I do not get angry easily, but there are three things that piss me off more than anything – cheating on your significant other, sexual abusers, and lying. Do that and I will never forget or forgive.
Last week at my appointments they told me that they are concerned because it looks like I’m losing weight and getting close to being underweight. They currently are not weighing me every week, but now they are going to start. I don’t get it because I feel like I am eating so much more now. I also “feel fat” and “see fat” when I look in the mirror, so when I hear them say that it makes no sense to me. CrAzY…………………..
My mind is racing with this plus much more. I wish I could shut it off and relax.
I have been having chest pain again. It has become more frequent lately, so that is something I worry about. I usually get it when I do not eat, but I'm thinking this time it is a combo of that and stress. Since I'm very stressed/anxious/worried right now.
A lot has happened in the past couple of years, so nothing much surprises me anymore. There is nothing that could happen that would shock me because right now I’m ready. I’m ready to deal with anything that comes my way. BRING IT ON.
Eating wise this week has been average I guess. My goal this week was to eat a sandwich with mayo on it. I haven’t done that yet, so tomorrow is the day. I actually might cry I think. It sounds stupid when I write that, but it is the truth. The last thing I want to do is add more calories and fat to my sandwich, which already has plenty of both of those. I just have to do it. No questions. Just go…..
I also have this sudden urge to step on a scale. Really bad. I haven’t stepped on one in months and I want to know that number. Why you ask? My ED tells me I need to know and it tells me that the number will tell me how I feel about myself. If it is higher than I think…. My day is ruined, I am a big, fat, ugly cow, and I will not eat. If it is lower than what I think…. I rock, I am beautiful, and I need to keep starving myself to make it stay down. It is a vicious cycle that sucks, but it is my life right now.
It sucks when a person you liked and you cared for does something horrible and stupid to hurt you. I do not get angry easily, but there are three things that piss me off more than anything – cheating on your significant other, sexual abusers, and lying. Do that and I will never forget or forgive.
Last week at my appointments they told me that they are concerned because it looks like I’m losing weight and getting close to being underweight. They currently are not weighing me every week, but now they are going to start. I don’t get it because I feel like I am eating so much more now. I also “feel fat” and “see fat” when I look in the mirror, so when I hear them say that it makes no sense to me. CrAzY…………………..
My mind is racing with this plus much more. I wish I could shut it off and relax.
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