Off The Wall

So I actually ate "normally" today. I had three "meals". I put meals in quotes because a meal to me is different from what a meal is to others. I think a bowl of cereal is a meal, but that probably doesn't count. I try to eat less than two meals a day, so eating three today sucked. I about to go to bed and feel a tad hungry. Usually I am STARVING when I go to bed and have trouble sleeping. Maybe tonight I will sleep better? Possible...

I did not binge today, but I did restrict (like I do all the F'ing time anyway). I hate bingeing. It is the most disgusting feeling in the world. Yuck. But restricting my food intake and starving myself leads to bingeing. And the bingeing leads to restricting. It is a deathly cycle that repeats itself every day. Bingeing is myself letting go and then restricting is punishing myself for being a horrible fat person. Restricting makes me feel tough and strong. I love the feeling of being hungry and hate the feeling of fullness. This is even confusing to me. Sorry if that was off the wall, but I'm a little off the wall sometimes.

I am in the middle of finals week and I have seven finals :O I am to say the least, stressed out and sick of studying. I am not doing well this semester. I think I might fail a class or maybe two. I have never failed in my entire life. I have been trying so hard, but I can not get good grades. I don't understand it. I just feel dumb... so I can add that to feeling fat, ugly, and not good enough. Joy.

I often ponder if there is anyone out there that reads these, so I will post a fun question so you all can comment :D What is your favorite Christmas movie? Mine is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation! So comment away!

Scary

People have told me that they are their eating disorder. I am not my eating disorder. I am so much more than that. People do not really ask me about it. I assume it is because they don't care, but maybe that is not the case? I really am not sure.

Eating disorders are a big secret. Hush hush. That is why so many of them go undiagnosed. They are something that needs to be talked about. Talked about in schools, at the workplace, and at home. People die from eating disorders. Die.

Karen Carpenter... died of heart failure due to her Anorexia
Christy Henrich... died of multiple organ failure due to her Anorexia
Ana Carolina Reston... died at age 21 from complications due to her ED
Melissa Booth... died at age 17 due to her Bulimia she had only a few months
Amy Gretner... died in her sleep at age 15 from Anorexia and Bulimia
Elisa McCall... committed suicide to try to escape her ED
Kristen Watt... died in her sleep at age 14 due to heart failure
Shelby Starner... died from a stroke due to her Bulimia
Ana Westin... died directly from her Anorexia

This is only to list a small amount of those of have died from this illness. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Scary. It is nothing to be quiet about. Silence really can kill.

Why am I not good enough?

I do not feel good enough. I never feel good enough. Ever. It is exhausting and frustrating.

I could be more thoughtful. More caring. More honest. I could do more for others. Help someone in need. Give money to a charity. I could do more.

I could get better grades. I could be a better student. I try so damn hard and I get C’s. Frustrating, but I could try harder.

I could be a better friend. Maybe if I was a better friend, someone would think I was good enough. Maybe.

I could be thinner. I could eat less or eat nothing at all, but I am not strong enough. I need to be stronger.

No matter what I do, nothing is ever good enough. Why am I not good enough?

Changes?

Tonight I feel like crap. I have a horrible headache and get random cold and hot flashes. I am exhausted and just feel like sleeping. I guess that is what I get for not taking care of myself. Anyways....

Something that I have been reading about is that eating disorders are very much linked to genetics. This is something that people really never think about. I get comments all the time about how having an eating disorder is a choice and if I wanted to get better I would just eat. This frustrates me because who the hell would choose to have an ED? Who would want to be sad, angry, sick, and depressed all the time? Beats me. Now research shows that eating disorders are very much similar to mental disorders such as Bipolar. This is very interesting since this information could potentially change many many things in the eating disorder world, like insurance coverage and treatment methods. It is also interesting how an ED can be passed from generation to generation. I was asked in therapy once if there was a history of eating disorders in my family and I said no. My therapist at the time replied, "There is. They just don't know it." This totally makes sense and is true. I then worry about passing an ED on to my children or passing on personality traits that can contribute to an ED. I am curious though, to see where this genetic research goes and what does happen. I am hoping for good things and more treatment options someday.

What I Wish They Knew

What do I wish my family and friends could know?

I wish they could know how scared I am that I will never be okay.

I wish they could know how ashamed I am of what I put them through.

I wish they could know that I desperately need their love, even as I push them away.

I wish they could know I feel like even more of a failure if I have to ask for help.

I wish they could know that I hurt myself because I don't know how else to respond.

I wish they knew that the hardest part of this is the devestation my loved ones feel.

I wish they could know how totally embarrasing it is to me that I am like this.

I wish they could see how mean I am to myself because I don't deserve anything good.

I wish they knew how much I need to hear that they believe in me because I don't believe in myself.

I wish they could understand that this disease is stronger than me.

I wish they could hear the things my mind tells me, constant reminders that I am bad and unloveable.

I wish they could know that I feel empty inside.

I wish they could know that I love them more than anything but I am afraid to show it.

I wish they could know that I will do almost anything to avoid being vulnerable.

I wish they could understand that I feel like a freak.

I wish they could know that I lie so they don't have to know the horrible truth.

I wish they could know that I need their help to beat this, but I am afraid to ask.

This is Lonely

I'm sad tonight. I just really would like to break down and cry. I would like to get it all out, but I can't. I need to be tough and put on a happy face because that is what people expect. I am a positive happy person, but sometimes I feel like I am dying inside and losing myself to this disease. I often wonder what it would be like not to have an eating disorder. What would it be like to eat when I am hungry and to eat what tastes good to me? When I eat I get the most horrible feeling in the world. I want to feel pretty for once in my life and to feel like people like me. I have never had many friends and it is hard not to have friends. My ED has become my friend, my best friend. It pushes everyone else away when I want to build a closer relationship with people. I won't let people in. I will not open up. A couple of months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. Even after being with him for that long, I could not let him in. He tried so hard and I ran the opposite direction. I pushed away the man that I love and my closest friend for my ED. That is what I do. I get to a certain place with someone and then I put up a wall. The wall being my ED. It gets super jealous of anyone else. This is what makes it hard to be in any type of relationship. Having an ED gets pretty lonely.

I'm Alive

It has been a long freaking time since I have blogged. I apologize, but my life has been pretty crazy. School has pretty much taken over my life. I am a senior in college... what a weird feeling by the way. I better figure out what to do with my life asap.

My ED is still around. It will never go away. I have stopped treatment for now too. I originally stopped because I was working and starting school. I convinced myself that I was "too busy" to go and what a lie that was. At first, I felt like I was doing better without treatment. Now, everything is coming back again though. I can feel the ED slowly taking over and it sucks because I feel like I can't stop it.

I feel nasty and gross and fat and ugly. I know that I have gained like a gazillion pounds and I hate myself for it. I can still feel my ribs, but I can't see them at all which sucks. My clothes feel so tight and it bothers me like crazy. I cannot wear half of my clothes because they feel dangerously tight. I know I can lose the poundage though because I just won't eat. I think my ED might be brain washing me again, but at this point I have no idea. I just know that I love to feel hungry and when I eat I feel nasty and dirty. Starvation is addicting. That may sound crazy, but it is.

The other part of my ED, the bingeing/purging part, has also been lingering around. I hate bingeing. I feel so completely alone and empty, so that is why I feel the need to fill myself with food. BUT as soon as it is inside of me, I want it out! So time to exercise until I die pretty much. I just find it easier to not eat at all. No one says they are concerned with how thin I am, so that must mean I am fat. People tell me I look "good". Good? WTF? In my mind good = FAT. Do not tell me I look "good" because "good" is not really good.