What is Yours?

I have learned this past week that I have to do what I want with my life. I have to stop listening to everyone around me, and listen to me. I am the most important person in my life. I do not mean for this to sound conceded at all, because I will always put others before me. That is who I am. I mean that if I am not happy, I cannot make anyone else happy. For so long, I ignored myself and my needs. I focused on everyone around me and what they needed. I dropped everything to do things for people and never did anything for myself. I also focused on my eating disorder and being skinny. That is all I cared about and I could not do anything else, including my job, my homework, sleep, and just being who I am. This past week I have spent a lot of time with horses because this semester I have a class where I train and take care of a horse until May. Normally, I would not spend much time with horses when I am at school because my horses are at home and I am an RA. I have lost interest in horses the past few years because my focus and love has become my eating disorder. I felt separated from horses and did not want to spend time with them, until I started this new class. This class has forced me to be at the barn and be around horses. I have realized that I still love horses and they are a part of who I am. I am not me without horses. My eating disorder seemed to hide that. I have worked very hard this week feeding horses, cleaning stalls, and training my horse. I have been close to fainting at times because I do not eat enough to sustain myself. I also have been very tired, my whole body hurts, and I have blisters on my hands and feet, but it has been the best week I have had in a long time. When I am with horses, my ED seems to run and hide. I do not think about food or how fat I am. I just live in the moment with those horses. I cannot even express to you all how horses have helped me find me. I know now that I need horses in my life and I will never be without them again. Horses help me fight my ED and be more confident in myself, which I need right now. I have zero self confidence and horses are the one thing I am good at. I struggle with homework and studying. I struggle when I take tests. I have a hard time being social. I have a hard time eating. I struggle when I have to make friends. I struggle with so much, but never with horses. I understand them. I get it. I know what they are going to do before they do it. It is awesome. I hope that everyone has this in their life… the one thing that keeps you sane. The one thing that you live for. Mine is horses. What is yours?

Is that my ED talking?

So, my therapist, L, gave me some “homework”. She wants me to write down every time I feel my ED thoughts take over. Well, that is like 24-7, so I guess I will just have to keep a journal with me. She wants me to bring them back to her, so we can go over them together. Then she will be able to maybe explain them to me and give me the tools to fight them. This makes sense in my head, but I am having a hard time figuring out what my ED thoughts are and what my rational thoughts are. Do I want to work out or is my ED telling me to do it? Do I want to eat just fruits and veggies or is my ED telling me I have to? Do I really look fat or is my ED altering my vision? It is harder to sort out my thoughts than I thought it would be.

It is not only my thoughts though, it is also my feelings. A lot of the time I “feel fat”. I feel this way after I eat or if I do not work out. I know this feeling is my ED, but are my other feelings my ED too? I get angry a lot and frustrated, so is that my ED? I also get sad and cry a lot. Is that my ED too? It is hard to distinguish between the two. I love to feel hungry also. I love to feel like I have not eaten enough because it means I must be losing weight. I’m sure that is also my ED.

I look in the mirror constantly. It doesn’t even have to be a mirror. It could be a window or a computer screen. I try to get a look at myself anytime I can. This must also be my ED. I compare myself to my own perfect vision, but I also compare myself to everyone around me as much as possible. I walk around wondering if I look as skinny as she does or if I am eating less than her. That is defiantly my ED. Sometimes I get thoughts that I should eat a lot and not stop because I would feel better. But I do not feel better. I feel like the worst person in the world and then I am told to work out like crazy and starve for the next two weeks. My ED? I think so…

What thoughts are my own then? If all these thoughts that consume my entire day are my ED taking over, then where are my rational thoughts? They must be there somewhere. I guess I have to search for them. I have a piece of paper with two columns. One says ED Thoughts at the top and the other says My Thoughts. The ED side is almost full and my side has nothing. I think that must be some sort of sign…right? A sign that I have no idea what I want or need? I don’t know. I am just confused.

Cafeterias

The past few days have been very busy for me to say the least. I am back at school and away from home again. Being at school is fuel for my ED because I am on my own and can get away with not eating. I also eat in a cafeteria here, which is a breeding ground for my ED. It loves to tell me all the things I cannot eat and where my "safe zones" are. It tells me to say in the salad bar line and eat a lot of fruits and veggies. It says to not put any cheese on anything and to stay away from butter, mayo, regular dressing, pizza, bread, juice, regular soda, cookies, soup, burgers, and pretty much anything with fat in it. And when I see those damn cookies and they smell so good, it tells me only fat, ugly, and stupid people eat them. I have to plan out everything I am going to eat before I enter that cafeteria or else I probably would choose to not eat. Walking in there is so overwhelming and confusing right now. I hate it. I watch people around me laughing and eating ice cream with friends. They look so happy. I want that.

Another thing cafeterias bring to the table (literally) is eating with large groups. This is also fuel for my ED. It tells me to eat less than everyone around me and to make sure to never finish my plate. It tells me that everyone is watching me and that they all are judging me when I eat. I have been eating with large groups often and it is very hard. I much rather eat alone and not go through it, but I know how much it will help me recover. I eat with a group of women that make it easier on me. They are always laughing and having a great time and it makes me feel comfortable. If I didn't have them or my boyfriend to eat with, this would be much more difficult. When I am eating in groups, I love to watch others eat. What is she having? How much is he eating? It makes me feel like I am eating it myself and then makes me feel better. I could watch others eat all day and never have to pick up a fork. And do not forget that my ED loves this too. When I watch others eat, my ED tells me the person will get fat from eating and how much more self control I have for not eating. It praises me when I do this and who does not love praise? I find it funny that some days my ED can be my enemy and other days feel like my friend, who compliments me all the time. I wish it would make up its mind and stop playing these mind games with me.

Dear ED....

Dear ED,

It seems you have taken over my life entirely. I do not know how this all happened. I do not know how it got this bad. Where along this journey did I lose myself? At what point did you take over? This is all a blur to me. My life has become a blur. It seems like I have lost everything and I do not know what to do next. I just want to cry. I only know you and the games you play, so what will it be like to live without you? What is my life minus you? What will it be like when you are gone?

You have become my best friend and have taken me away from my other friends. You tell me that I am not good enough and that I am a failure. You tell me I am overweight and gross to look at. You make me feel horrible about myself. You make me angry, sad, and happy all at once. I look to you for everything and I trust you to take care of me, even though I should not. I believe what you say to me. As if it is not enough to make me sick mentally, you also make me sick physically. You take the life and energy right out of me. I rather stay in bed than get up and be the happy energetic person I used to be. What hass happened to me?

Our relationship has made me a different person. A person I do not know. A person who gets angry at everything and that has to have things perfect. A person who is obsessed with the way she looks, not how she feels. I never used to be like this. I was a person who had so much life and loved everything. I was never upset and I was carefree. You stole that from me. You have stolen everything from me that I have ever known. Give me my life back. Give it to me. I miss it.

You have separated me from everyone that I love, especially Travis. You have done a number on our relationship, but he has never left. He is the man of my dreams and you cannot push him away. He is much stronger than you. I know that you feel threatened by him and you should. Travis will never give up on me. He has my heart and you will never have it. You will never be what he is to me. You lie to me and I hate liars. I hate you.

Someday our relationship will not be like this. Someday I will not think of you as often and I will not wait for you to determine how I feel, how I look, and how I act. You cannot control me because I am free. I run free like wild horses and I will not let you stop me. You throw many barriers in my direction and make everything a billion times as hard, but I will keep going. I am a cowgirl and everyone knows not to fight against a cowgirl because you will not win. I do not give up and I will not give up. Because of you, I have to start over. I have to begin again. You have hurt me in a way that I have never been hurt before and I can never forgive you. I know you are in this for the long haul, but I am not. One day our relationship will end and the day is coming sooner than you think.

Sincerely,
Me

Secrets

I have not stepped on a scale since Wednesday. It is killing me. Every time I walk into the bathroom, the scale stares at me like it is haunting me. The scale is saying, “Come on, just step on. No one will ever know. I’m your friend and I would never lie to you.” I do not have a scale in my bathroom at home because that would be too hard, but the most difficult thing is to go to other people’s houses and see the scale. I am alone in the bathroom and the door is locked, so no one would see if I weighed myself. It can be a secret and my ED loves secrets. Secrets are its specialty.

I did not realize how much the number determined how my day went or how much I ate. If the number goes down, I feel good about myself and maybe I can eat lunch that day. But if the number goes up, I feel like dirt and I cannot eat anything at all. My ED tells me so. I feel somewhat lost without knowing the number. Should I eat? Or should I not? Should I workout more? I do not know what to do. I have to start listening to my body and it is weird for me because I have not done that it a long time. I know an important part of recovery is not weighing myself, but I want it so bad. The scale has become my friend and has determined so much in my life. Part of me does not want that to change, but I know if I ever want to get better I HAVE TO put the scale away.

Not eating does weird things to a person’s body. My hair is thinner than it used to be and it falls out all the time. My hair is also very dry. I have dry brittle, yellow finger nails and dry skin. I have chest pain every day. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and have heart burn. I am tired and moody. I go to bed with a headache and wake up with one. My hands and feet feel like ice. I get horrible leg cramps and my hands and feet feel tingly. No matter how horrible I feel, my ED always makes up excuses. “You are tired because you went to bed too late last night. You eat too much, so you cannot possibly be tired because you do not eat enough,” It tells me. It kind of brainwashes me so to speak. I walk through life believing whatever it tells me, including that I am fat, ugly, and that no one likes me. I have lost myself to my ED and my voice is really no longer existent. I have to learn how to get my voice stronger and teach it to override the voice of my ED. It is much easier said than done though. It is very hard to separate the two voices in my head. I hope with hard work and patience I can do it.

Here I Go Again

Yesterday was my first appointments at my new ED recovery program. This is my second time trying to find a place that can help me. After not seeing any results at the first place, I am skeptical that this time will be any different. I tried to think positive though.

I walked into the large waiting room and immediately felt judged. Everyone stared at me and my ED started to go to work. It started telling me that I was not the skinniest person there and everyone was looking at me because I was so fat. Then I felt that it was a mistake to be there and really did not even have a problem. I eat a lot and am gaining weight, so it makes no sense that I have to be there. I got very frustrated while I was sitting on that purple couch waiting to hear my name. I probably looked like I wanted to hit someone, but I was just battling with my ED. It happens all the time.

My first appointment was with my therapist and I will call her LT. This was my first time meeting LT and I got a fairly good first impression. Like I said earlier, I have doubtful thoughts about therapists because I have not had any good experiences, so getting a good first impression was a step. She took me into her office and told me to sit down on this cream couch that was not at all comfortable. I just wanted to get this over with. She asked me some basic questions to get to know who I was and my story. This is the kind of stuff I don’t mind talking about. I do not mind talking about my childhood or my family. It is the much deeper subjects that I have a hard time with. Am I supposed to feel better after I come out of one of these sessions? I usually feel worse and I wonder why.

My next appointment was with my dietitian and I will call her AD. I had not met AD before this, so I had no idea what to expect. As she introduced herself to me, I thought she looked firm and strict. She seemed like she would probably be able to enforce the rules pretty well. When it comes to food, I tend to break the rules, so her being stern with me will be a good thing. This session was also a lot of questions. It was question after question and it never seemed to end. I was getting so drained by this time and had a major headache. As she asked me each question she wrote down my answer quickly, but never broke eye contact. She asked me things like my symptoms and what I typically eat in one day. I know exactly what I eat, so that question was not difficult. At the end of the session, she asked me where I wanted to start. She said she could throw it all at me at once, but that would not be the best if I was not ready. Eventually she wants me to get up to eating 4-6 times a day, versus the once or twice I am eating now. When she told me that, my ED jumped in and convinced me her goal was to make me fat. 4-6 times a day? Are you nuts lady? I suppose she will eventually make me eat butter and cheese too. As I was battling with my ED again, she brought another subject up….weighing myself. She did not want me to. She suggested that she could weigh me in her office once a week and then we could talk about it. No, No, No! Are you kidding? Once a week? Her argument was valid, so I agreed to leave the weighing to her. She set some realistic, but challenging goals for me for this week. One being I cannot weigh myself. My ED gets really angry when I cannot step on the scale or I have to eat more. We will see how this goes. Wish me luck.

Music Memories

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I always have loved listening to all types of music. I love upbeat songs that put me in a better mood and I also love the slower songs that have a deeper meaning. For me, songs have a hidden meaning behind them. When I listen to a song, I try to figure out what the artist is trying to say. What did he or she mean by that? It is something that I have always done. I even have written a few songs with my own hidden meanings. I love to break the lyrics down and analyze them. Some songs do not have hidden meanings and it is pretty straightforward, so I know the meaning instantly. I prefer the mystery ones though. They leave something to the imagination, so every listener out there can relate to the lyrics. I love that I can interpret the song in my way and then you can interpret the song in your way. It creates diversity among us.

I enjoy many different genres of music. With those different genres come many different artists. I listen to country music the most often, but not the kind about tractors, beer, and the beach. I find that I love country songs about love, hard times, and relationships. I guess lyrics written with real emotion and a lot of passion. I also listen to pop, even though I only like I few of the songs. These songs usually have a good beat behind them, but are nothing from the lyrics standpoint. I do come across a few exceptions though and when I do, those songs go right into my playlist. Maybe it is just me, but I like to actually hear the lyrics and not just the cutting out of inappropriate words. I also like to take it back…back to the very beginning. Sometimes traveling back in time is a good thing, especially when it comes to music. I feel that music has changed so much since the beginning and it is refreshing to hear the older stuff. I mean, today’s artists remake those songs of the past, so I have every right to listen to them. The original versions are better anyway.

Music is universal throughout the world. It brings us together. Music is music no matter what country I am in, how old I am, or what my skin color is. I have seen toddlers as well as the elderly get up and dance to music on the radio. I have seen people of all races sing and dance to their favorite song. Music is something so powerful and impacts everyone everywhere. It sure has done its part in my life. It has always been there, no matter how sad or lonely I have been. All my memories from the past have a song associated with them. Someday I hope to hear a song that reminds me of this part of my life. I have not had that moment yet because I am still very much in this. I have not gotten through yet, but someday I hope to have that moment.

All I Want

All I want to do is be skinny. That's it. That is all I can think about. That is all I can focus on. It is so frustrating. I look in the mirror and hate my body and want it to be different. No matter how much I exercise and how little I eat, I cannot change the way I look. I constantly see the same thing when I look in the mirror. I notice it the most when I get up in the morning. I go to bed starving and expect to look skinner in the morning, but nothing changes. I am constantly counting calories and grams of fat in my head to try to say under a specific amount. But I do not lose any weight.

I always compare myself to everyone around me. Everyone else is skinner, has probably eaten less than me, and exercised more than me. I feel gross and overweight. A skinny pretty girl walks by and I want to be like her. How does she stay so thin? Maybe she doesn't eat? Yea, she doesn't eat. That means I can't eat either, so I can look more like her. I have to be strong and ignore my hunger. I rather be skinny than eat food. I much rather lose weight than have a cookie. I just want to be skinny....

Decisions

Life is full of many decisions. Some are small and some aren't so small. We all face decisions every day. I have a few major decisions coming up in my life. I need to decide my plan for next year. This year I am an RA at my school. I have many duties and responsibilities. I am very busy all the time. I love the job and the people that I work with, but I don't know if I can do it next year. I have had a hard time this year juggling everything. My recovery is something that gets pushed back when my RA duties come up, which is a lot of the time. I want to focus on recovery and get my life back, but I also do not want to give up this opportunity to be an RA again. If I were not an RA, I would probably live at home and commute back and forth to school. Do I want to live at home? I love being home and right now when I feel sad and lonely, I need to be there. On the other hand, I like being on my own and having that freedom. BUT that freedom is not something that is good for me right now. When I am at school it is very easy to skip meals and not eat much. Maybe being at home would put me on the right track and allow me to concentrate on getting better? I don't know what to think. My boyfriend lives at school also. If I decided to live at home next year, I would see him a lot less. I do not want that, but I know he would understand. I am confused and I hope with some time this decision will come to me.

Not to totally change the subject, but I was just thinking about my wedding and what I want it to be like. Every woman has their dream wedding planned out in their head, including the dress, the location, the reception, and the flowers. So much thought and planning goes into this. Out of every single thing to think about and plan, I worry about one thing the most... the food, particularly the cake. I do not worry about what food will be served or what kind of cake to have. I worry about eating it. I worry that I will never be able to enjoy my wedding cake with my new husband. I worry that I will miss that wonderful moment. You know that picture of the bride and the groom feeding each other cake? I fear that I will never have that picture. I want that picture. I want more than anything to enjoy that moment and not worry about how many fat grams or calories are in the piece of cake. I want that more than anything.

Staying on Track

I will be away from home this weekend. I have to go back to school to work. I will be alone and it is very easy not to eat. At home we have normal meals at regular meal times. When I am alone it is tempting not to eat. No one is there, so no one can see if I eat or not. If some one asks me if I ate I can say yes and they would never know. I really would rather not eat, but I know that I have to. I am afraid when I leave home tomorrow to spend the weekend alone, I won't eat at all. Part of me says it is a great chance to lose some weight and another part of me says you have to be strong and eat. It is very hard fight with myself every day. My boyfriend is my rock. He keeps me going and makes me smile. I wish we could spend more time together, but we have to be apart right now. It is much more difficult to stay stong without him, but I am trying. I miss him so much.

This is a brand new year and I know a lot of you have made new year resolutions. I do not make resolutions at the start of a new year because I always have goals that I am working towards. This year though, I am making an exception. I feel I need my goals to look at and to motaviate me to stay on track, so here they are...

1. Get my GPA above a 3.0. My GPA has suffered in college because of my struggles with my eating disorder. I have not been studying as much as I should and I know I can do better.
2. Focus on my recovery and do the best I can. I am starting my recovery again after not seeing much sucess at the first place I went to. I am hoping this new place will be a much better fit for me. I want to be confident in myself and know that some day I will be okay.
3. Be more open with my boyfriend, my family, and my friends. I keep a lot inside and I want to be open with how I feel and talk about what I am going through.
4. Work out because I want to, not because I need to. I never exercise because I want to. I do it to try and lose weight and look better. I actually love to go on walks and to run, so I want to do it to relax and to have fun.
5. Show my horse more this summer and show at a Pinto show in August. Last summer I did not spend much time with my horses at all. A lot of the time I was sick and tired, so I wanted to sleep. I want to get back into showing because I love it and miss it. I have always wanted to show at a Pinto show, so why not this summer?

I might add more, but this is what I have for now. I am a very driven person and if I set goals like this I will do all I can to acheive them. I hope everyone is looking forward to the new year and a new start. I know I am. Remember to belive in yourself and never give up.

Taking a Step

My alarm went off this morning and I immediately felt nervous. I got dressed with caution because I wanted to look as thin as possible. Should I wear my skinny jeans? Would that help? Why not. I slipped my skinny jeans on while trying to decide how to fix my hair. If I pulled it back, would it make my face look skinner? Maybe, so I pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail. After I redid it about five times, I decided that I did not have time to make it perfect today. I did my makeup with the same attitude and decided I could not make myself look any better. Frustrated, I grabbed my coat and purse, but I could not head out the door without looking in the mirror at least ten times.

I walked into the building wondering why I was there. I did not even have a problem. There were many other people that needed to be there more than me. I wondered why this time would be any different. As I entered the waiting room, I scanned the people around me. Was I the skinniest? I was not and I felt overweight and gross. My stomach rumbled from hunger, but that did not matter. My friend, my eating disorder, kept telling me that it was a good thing to feel hungry. It kept telling me how in control I was and how much skinner I would be if I was always hungry. I was battling with my friend when my name was called. I stood up and walked away from my mom to take another step towards recovery.

As the doctor sat across from me in her small white chair, I could not help but judge her. I have always believed in not judging a person, but with my past experiences, I couldn't help it. Should I trust her? She seemed trustworthy and sincere, but I have talked to others who were not. Should I believe what she was telling me? I wanted to. I wanted to very badly. Did she really want to help me or was she just there for the paycheck? When I saw her eyes fill with tears as I told my story, I knew. I knew that she was there listening to me because she wanted to help. She wanted to help me feel better and she understood. So many people do not understand and it felt good to know that she understood. I walked from that office today with a feeling of hope. Hope that some day I will be okay. Some day I want to feel happy, I want to enjoy life, and I want to be confident in myself, so this is what I have to do... even though it is going to hurt.

A New Year

As I sit here and drink my Diet Coke, I remember when I used to drink regular soda. My favorite was Dr. Pepper. I can't have Dr. Pepper anymore because I can't drink anything that contains calories. When I see people around me drinking regular soda, juice, or milk I wonder why. Why would you want to add more calories to what you are already eating? This is what the voice inside my head tells me. It tells me I am overweight and ugly. It tells me that constantly, so I see that when I look in the mirror. This voice is like another person that takes over my mind. It makes me angry and mad at the world. Sometimes it says that it is okay to eat, but only if no one sees. It tells me to go to the kitchen when no one is around and eat "forbidden" foods because that will make me feel better. Then afterwards, it tells me that I am a horrible person for eating and that I should never eat again. This voice is my eating disorder.

I am very close to my eating disorder and it is one of my closest friends. It tells me I am a great person if I eat nothing or very little. And it tells me if I am skinny, other people will like me and want to be my friend. It also tells me I will be sick if I eat nothing, but that is okay because I need to be skinny. My eating disorder has become a huge part of my life. Every where I go, it is there. Everything I do, it is doing it with me. Everyone I talk to, it is talking right along with me. It is always there and I can never escape it. I may get frustrated at work, but at the end of the day I can walk away and cool off. I can never walk away from my eating disorder and most of the time I feel trapped. It is hard to keep fighting sometimes and I just want to give up, but I know that I can't. I won't. Tomorrow I begin a new start with a new team of doctors. I hate going to the doctor. They pick at my mind and ask me questions that make me mad. This is my second time trying to get help and hopefully this new year will bring me hope and relief.